the trailers were even underway I knew how they'd
introduce this film. The first few bars of
Freddy's theme tune, followed by one of Jason's
little signature sound effects. Dum dum dum
dum, pause, chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha. Play with
my expectations, dammit!
noticing a trend with more recent horror films.
They're having a tendency to look away from the
little cash stream of baying fans to which they
owe so much and focus their attentions on the
heaving ocean of the mainstream. In almost all
the recent offerings of all three major slasher
franchises (Jason, Michael, Freddy), they've had
a tendency to just concentrate on the bare bones
of the matter and invite all previous sequels to
take a running jump. In many ways it's rather
are relying on the greater bulk of the Casual
Fans (CFs), rather than the Die Hard Fans (DHFs,
which is very nearly the name of a chain of
furniture stores) to gain their profits. The two
recent Halloweens relied on information only CFs
would be aware of. See, a CF would know that
Michael Myers was a seeming unkillable maniac who
pursued his sister relentlessly. The DHFs, who
soaked up everything in the many sequels that
followed, know that he's under a Pagan curse to
slaughter his family. Someone decides to make
Halloween H20, and bingo, Pagan curses hurled out
of the window, concussing a passing cyclist.
so, Freddy Vs. Jason. Most definitely one for the
CFs, as the DHFs are going to find some rather
1: Most of the action takes place in Springwood,
Freddy's old haunt, which is full of teenagers.
There are even some people living in Freddy's old
CF would know that Freddy kills people in their
dreams, and hails from Springwood, and he
particularly likes killing people who live in his
old love shack.
DHF would know that the last time we saw
Springwood (in Freddy 6) it was a desolate ghost
town peopled with howling crazies, all the
children having been picked off one by one.
2: Freddy controls Jason by pretending to be his
mum, as Jason has something of a complex, since
we see him dragging his mum's entire corpse
around at one point.
CF would know that Jason kills people because he
witnessed his mother's death and blames everyone
for it. And he really loved his mum!
DHF would know that his mum was decapitated, and
Jason kind of packed in carrying bits of his mum
around at about the time he was still breaking in
the hockey mask. Details, people, details!
3: Freddy is brought out into reality, where he
is vulnerable, by the heroine clinging onto him
just as she wakes up.
CF knows that this could be the only way of
defeating him once and for all! Gasp!
DHF knows that it's been tried, like, four times
and it never fucking works.
it's a film for CFs. Not that that is necessarily
a bad thing; after all, if lots of people see a
film, the series is suddenly reignited! So, I
won't be going into another tirade like the one
at the end of my Halloween Resurrection review,
don't you worry about that.
in all, it was an enjoyable fantasy romp, with
lots of the "Wow! Freddy AND Jason!
Cool!" factor. Couple of things we could've
done without, of course:
The black chick out of the blue questioning
Freddy's virility. Yes, there's the apparently
indestructible demon-man who just had a big fight
with Jason and is hungry for some red meat. Let's
tell him we think he has a tiny willy. What a
Jason being hurled around Freddy's lair at high
speeds, bouncing off walls and pipes to the
accompaniment of hilarious pinball machine sound
effects. Kind of ruined the solemnity of the
"Ah!" says the director. "Jason
drowned, right? That must mean he's afraid of
water!" Fuck you. As we DHFs know, Jason
LOVES the water. It's his element. More than once
he's had a kind of Jaws thing going on when
targetting skinny dippers.
whose side are we supposed to be on? Almost
certainly Jason's, if we choose to overlook all
the gutting and machete chopping. I know that
during Freddy films we love the old tosser for
his one-liners and his fun little escapades, but
now we've seen them alongside Jason's method he
does seem like a bit of a twat.
the plot? Well, Freddy coerces Jason into going
to Elm Street and slicing up a few tossheads so
they'll be afraid of him again, gets his power
from their fear, Jason doesn't want to stop once
he gets into the swing of things, Freddy decides
he needs to put his doggy down, blah de blah de
blah. We've not seen a horror movie plot this
complicated since Wes Craven's New Nightmare!
you know something? This is one of the few recent
horror films that actually got an 18 certificate,
rather than just the lowly 15. Why? Clinton's
running mate, my friend, Clinton's running mate.
Gore, gore, gore. I tried counting all the times
blood squirted fakily out of someone as if from a
seltzer bottle, but lost count around number 20.
Oh, and there were some gratuituous boobies to
balance things out.
suppose what condemns the film is how predictable
it gets. Like the bit where Freddy is stalking
someone in dreams while Jason sidles up to their
unconscious body; I just KNEW Jason was going to
smash them up just before Freddy got his act
together, and really piss him the fuck off. See
if you can count how many times the thought
"Well, THAT guy's gonna die now"
flashes through your mind. I suppose, in this
case, you can have a little fun trying to guess
which of our two title protagonists will carry it
spy ratings off the port bow!
In Ears Rating: 7/10
You know how it goes. There's total
silence, the pre-corpse wanders around in terror,
breathing heavily, then gradually allow
themselves to relax. Then,
To Last Film Rating: N/A
Why no rating? Which fucking last film?
Wouldn't be anything like it either way. Nothing
much except the characters and loads of blood.
and Guts Rating: 10/10
Nekkid And DIE! Rating: 8/10
Gratuituous boobs? Jason no like!
SPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!! I took off two points
because an awful lot of people die, and not many
of them are nekkid.
Heroes Rating: 0/10
Hell no! How could anyone not like
Jason? Oh, wait, I guess he doesn't count. Let me
Heroes Rating: 10/10
You know, just for once I'd like to see
one of these fuckers with a bit of character. You
know, beyond being highly sexed or scared of
spiders or dorky or a pothead or whatever. You
know who a good hero for this film would have
been? Tommy Jarvis from Fridays 4, 5 and 6. He
was kind of complex, what with him being mentally
unstable for most of his films. Except 6, he
sucked in that. But they could've brought him
back for this event! And maybe one of the more
consistent heroes from the Freddy films, too, to
balance things out. No-one ever listens to me.
Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 8/10
It's a lot of fun, but if you eat Freddy
cereal and wear Jason pyjamas, it's going to
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