Michael Myers. The original maniac killer. He's
stabbed and gutted his way through seven films
and we still don't know what he looks like. But
the question that is always on my lips when I see
a Halloween film is this - what the hell is
Michael Myers supposed to be?
mean, originally he was just a psycho. A little
kid who discovered that if he hit his sister
enough times with a sharp object, said sister
will stop moving, a revelation which apparently
appealed to his childlike mind. Society doesn't
look too kindly upon that sort of home
entertainment and the establishment was pissed
off because they couldn't blame it on computer
games, so they locked this poor kid up for
I don't know about you, but if I was only
slightly mad when I went into the nut house, I'd
almost certainly be considerably more mad if I
was then kept there until I was old enough to
break out and steal a car.
my knowledge, over the course of the Halloween
series, Mikey has been shot six times, had a
knitting needle inserted into his bonce, had both
his eyes poked out, burnt alive, been drilled
full of buckshot, tossed down a mine shaft and
blown up with dynamite - and he's still alive by
Halloween H20. To reiterate, what the hell is he?
if he's a zombie, fair enough, but we're led to
believe that he's just another man who's so keen
on indulging his favourite hobby that nothing can
stop him, not even terminal injury.
Halloween H20 you can add being hit with a poker
(twice), whacked with a fire extinguisher,
clubbed with a big rock, stabbed repeatedly in
the chest, kicked in the groin, thrown off a
balcony onto a table (a fall which almost
certainly broke his neck), stabbed a bit more,
thrown through a windscreen, hurled down a ravine
and crushed by a van.
even then he has to be decapitated before he
H20 opens with our hero looking for information
about his missing sister (Jamie Lee Curtis, from
the first film), who faked her death and went
into hiding. Mikey isn't fooled easily, however,
and after searching the home of the nurse of the
late Dr. Loomis (Mikey's psychiatrist from all
the previous films) he gets hold of her new
address. Pausing only to slit her throat and put
an ice skate blade through the face of the kid
from Third Rock From The Sun, he sets off in the
nurse's car for a family reunion.
was never taught to drive, but he picked up the
basics in Halloween 1 when he drove away from the
loony bin. Either he picked up the controls
through trial and error or the voices in his head
the clutch, Michael. No, that's the stereo. Good
boy. Check your mirror before you pull out. I
said check, not eat. Now just press on the
accelerator - that's the pedal on the right -
there! See, you're mind hasn't TOTALLY
deteriorated. Now signal left. That's the little
lever there. Oh, you've broken it off. Never
mind, we can do without. You know, you might
steer better if you put that knife down."
Jamie Lee is away being reclusive as a
headmistress at a public school, still suffering
from hallucinations of her brother but learning
to ignore them. She has a teenage son who has a
girlfriend and some loser mates who might as well
paint targets on their chests and hold up big
signs saying 'Cannon Fodder'. They do a lot of
talking and no-one kills anyone else. It's all
very dull so let's see what Mike's up to.
woman and her little daughter have pulled up at a
rest stop next to an extremely poorly maintained
car and, faced with a locked girl's room, decide
to use the men's room instead. Mother sits in a
cubicle and spots Michael stalking around the
place, while her daughter hums loudly. Mike's
facial expression can't change since he's wearing
an expressionless mask, but I was sure he was
considering putting an end to that infernal
noise. But he's got better things to do. And
y'know, after all his killing and immortality,
it's refreshing to know that he has to piss like
everyone else. The previous car he stole is now
an insurance write-off so he pinches the mother's
truck instead. The fate of the mother is
unrecorded, but I like to think she tried
hitching to her destination and was picked up by
the family from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
son leaves the school without her permission and
she gets mightily pissed off, because the day is
Halloween, and for obvious reasons she always
insists that he hides under a rock on this day in
case his uncle decides to pay his respects. Her
son loudly (but somewhat prematurely) reassures
her that the psychotic branch of the family tree
is long dead, and she realises what a fool she's
been, and decides to accept the facts. How
unfortunate that Mike turns up at the gates that
very evening, ignoring LL Cool J's cameo role
with only a disdainful glance before setting off
to do what he does so well.
mate #1 drops a bottle opener down a waste
disposal and tries to fish it out as Michael
walks in behind him. I forget who directed this
film but whoever you are: if you're going to
include in your horror film a household appliance
capable of dealing out gorey death or at least
horrific mutilation, someone had better get
mutilated by it. But no-one is. Maybe Mike's
supernatural intellect doesn't extend to the
operation of a waste disposal but he seems to
prefer jamming the corkscrew into loser mate #1's
throat instead. You disappoint me, Myers.
mate #2 discovers the corpse of loser mate #1 and
attempts to escape from Myers via a dumbwaiter.
But, interestingly enough, Mike's supernatural
intellect DOES extend to the operation of
dumbwaiters! Just as she crawls out of it on the
floor above, MM cuts the rope and sends it
crashing down just in time to crush loser mate
#2's leg. Ouch. She crawls away from the
dumbwaiter, but then Mike (who also has the
amazing power to walk up a flight of stairs
incredibly rapidly) comes in and finishes her
off. Well, boo hoo.
Lee's loser son and loser girlfriend confront the
main man next and the former gets stabbed in the
leg for his trouble. They manage to evade him and
meet up with Jamie Lee and her loser boyfriend.
Hi, sis. Loser boyfriend of Jamie Lee gets
stabbed to death and the remaining three escape
from Myers in a car which, predictably, refuses
to start until Mike is right on top of them.
my brother saw this film he asked why they did
not then turn around and run over Mikey a few
times before legging it. Well, I suppose they
could have done that, if they weren't all scared
out of their minds and if one of the party didn't
require urgent medical attention. Come on, bro,
surely anyone who knows Halloween knows that Mike
can survive much worse than that.
Lee is, however, sick of running. She directs her
comrades to leave the school and call the police
while she goes and confronts her nutcase family.
She gets hold of a fire axe and calls for him.
Perhaps she could borrow the target from loser
mates 1 and 2 to put on her chest, just to add a
bit more of a challenge. Mike jumps down behind
her and gets an axe in the shoulder. Oh, nice
one, Jamie Lee, maybe next you could get hold of
a shotgun and shoot him in the foot. You stupid
cow. Then she runs away with the axe still in his
shoulder. Way to give him a new weapon, you
stupid loser bitch.
Mike gets stabbed in the chest over and over
again and falls off a balcony, then the police
arrive. They pack him in a body bag and put him
in a van. Remember that, body bag. You only put
dead people in body bags. Surely they checked for
a pulse before assuming he's dead? If they did,
and Mike didn't have one, that puts a whole new
light on what the man is supposed to be, as he
springs back to life a few minutes later when
Jamie Lee, who isn't as easily fooled, nicks the
van in which he was loaded, drives him to a
secluded spot, runs him over, crushes him against
a wall and decapitates him.
seem a bit final to you, but I've heard rumours
that they considered doing another sequel. I
know, I know. It's a bit hard to swallow even for
me. Let the poor bugger die, fellas.
issues remain concerning this film. Firstly, it's
too damn short. Barely eighty minutes. But I
suppose most horror flicks spend most of the
first hour faffing about, whereas H20 has less of
that and more killin'. So I forgive them.
Secondly, everyone I know pronounces the name of
this film as "Halloween Aitch-two-oh",
as in the formula for water, and this is WRONG!
The film is called "Halloween
Aitch-Twenty", damn your eyes! Because it's
set twenty years after the first film! Gah.
Thirdly, does Michael Myers remind anyone else of
get some ratings before my blood pressure
in ears rating - 8/10
H20 delights in those annoying moments
where there's a sudden action and a jarring
chord, but it's really something mundane. I wish
horror films would stop doing that to me.
to last film rating - 3/10
In a dramatic break with tradition, H20
is really a sequel to the first two Halloweens,
and completely ignores (even contradicts) the
later instalments. Blast.
nekkid and DIE! rating - 6/10
Well, no-one really gets nekkid, but the
principle also applies to people who vocally
intend to have sex in the near future when they
get slaughtered. Loser mates #1 and #2 did this,
so it sort of counts. I could write a paper about
the horror film 'Get nekkid and DIE!' principle.
Then I could rename it 'Yahtzee's First Law'.
and guts rating - 8/10
Lovely and gooey. The bit where loser
mate #2's leg gets crushed had even me wincing.
heroes rating - 10/10
This is the rating in which H20 scores
highest. There are middle east dictators who
torture people for telling jokes about him and
kill pandas for amusement who aren't as hateful
as some of these guys.
horror movie sequel rating - 7/10
A nice little romp, if a bit short, and
a bit hard to believe. But hey, that's horror for
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