Warning! Spoilers! Warning!)
I'm going to have words with Mr. Wes Craven about
the whole 'Scream' phenomenon. He finds a new
formula, it proves popular, suddenly EVERY new
horror film that comes out has to be about a
bunch of teenagers in school/college, and it
ALWAYS has to be sort of a self-parody. People
HAVE to die if they have sex, and if they take
drugs. Come on, filmmakers, where's that
inventive spirit? Play with our expectations,
so Scream came out and a whole batch of
knock-offs out to make some fast cash come out. I
Know What You Did Last Summer springs instantly
to mind. Final Destination, Cherry Falls, Scary
Movie ... until they've finally done everything
in the suggestion box and some bright spark
sticks up a hand and says "Hey, remember
that old series about the bloke in the white
mask? Why don't we milk that a little so we can
bleed money from people who liked Scream and old
fans of that?"
so was Halloween H20 born, reviewed elsewhere on
this site, a new Halloween movie in the style of
Scream. It came out and made some money. A few
years later the producers find they've run out of
cocaine money so they pull the stunt again.
Halloween 8, aka Halloween Resurrection. As soon
as I saw the trailer for this one on TV I knew
that, come rain or shine, I would be seeing this
film at the very first showing. And I did.
was quite looking forward to how they would
resolve the ending of H20, in which Michael Myers
got decapitated. They've never actually openly
referred to the fact that Mikey is an immortal
superman with regenerative capabilities, I was
ready for them to finally give in and admit this.
As it turned out, they didn't have to. I won't
give it away, but on reflection, looking back at
H20, and Mike's behaviour towards the end ... it
makes a lot of sense. Believe me, I so want to
tell you how Mike survived. I really do. But I
won't, because there still might be people who
want to be surprised.
Jamie Lee Curtis at the start of this film is in
a loony bin, insane with the knowledge that Mike
will come for her and the guilt of having
decapitated some innocent bloke Mike had
carefully switched places with when the camera
was off him during H20 (Oh jesus fuck, sorry). We
learn the full story from a pair of
exposition-vomiting nurses talking like
characters in an infomercial as they give Jamie
Lee her drugs and bugger off for the night.
some security guards find that one of the loonies
has gotten out and the exit has been forced open.
The loony wears a clown mask and is pretending to
be John Wayne Gacy; he seems to like pretending
to be serial killers. Instantly I just KNEW that
someone was going to mistake Michael Myers for
this guy at some point in the near future, and
sure enough, that's exactly what happens. A
security guard is decapitated by the Myers man
himself and his head gets put through a spin
cycle. Michael has bigger fish to fry, though,
and he heads up to Jamie Lee's cell, breaking the
door down to get at his errant sister. She turns
up behind him, whacks him with a drip feeder, and
flees, Michael following closely. She traps him
on the roof and manages to get him dangling
upside-down from a big pulley thing, and gloats
over his imminent doom.
wait! Aha! Michael is a cunning psycho. He starts
clawing at his mask like his lookalike did just
before Jamie Lee decapitated him in the last
film, and Jamie Lee doesn't want to risk that
sort of embarrassment again. She reaches for his
mask, and he grabs her, pulls her over the roof
with him, stabs her and drops her to her death.
On the way out he generously gives his bloody
knife to the starstruck clown mask guy.
let's hesitate on this for a moment. Michael
Myers killed Jamie Lee. For seven whole films he
has been unable to do that, and now he has.
What's more, this means he's more or less
completed his quest; murdered his entire family.
Except for Jamie Lee's teenage son who escaped in
the last film, but I really don't think Mike
feels the guy's worth all the bother. His work
done, he can now retire to his base of operations
- a filthy cellar underneath his childhood home.
So with a spring in his step and a song in his
heart he gets back to the fateful Haddonfield
house ... and finds a fat guy setting up cameras.
Haddonfield is now the home of an internet
company called Dangertainment, headed by Busta
Rhymes, playing the role LL Cool J had in the
last film (the black American rapper thrown in
for name recognition). They've set up for six
lucky people to go into Michael Myers' house,
live on the Internet, and try to find out what
drove the little boy to murder his older sister
all those years ago. Of course, this was answered
in Halloween 6 - Myers is the subject of a Pagan
curse and must massacre his family for the good
of mankind or some shit - but I think the
producers of the two recent films would rather
you forgot about that. As luck would have it, the
six chosen just happen to represent the standard
horror movie cannon fodder. There's the slutty
blonde who hopes this venture will bring her
fame. The creepy weird bloke. The intelligent but
also slutty girl. The cheeky jokester boy. The
token black bloke. And the troubled, reluctant
girl who will undoubtedly end up as the heroine.
the six go in - all with cameras strapped to
their skulls - and begin looking for answers.
They find a baby's high chair with leather
restraints, a colouring book full of delirious
scribbles, a secret dungeon under the kitchen
with chains on the wall and a headless doll.
This, I felt, could have been great. Finally we
could learn what got into little Mike to go on
that rampage (disregarding evil Pagan curses),
but no. It turns out this was all planted by
Busta Rhymes to make better viewing. Michael
Myers' dark motivation disappointingly remains a
mystery for now.
girl is persuaded by cheeky jokester boy to take
her top off for the cameras, and she starts to do
so very slowly while Mike watches from nearby.
This was rather unrealistic, I felt - everyone
knows girls in reality TV shows never hesitate to
bare their funbags. Anyway, she drops her shirt
at the last moment, giggles and scampers off like
a gazelle. Then cheeky jokester boy gets stabbed
to death by Michael. I mean, be fair. This is the
first time victims have actually actively come to
him, rather than him stalking them, he really
doesn't want to disappoint them.
Rhymes is also in the house dressed up as
Michael, and in one of the most entertaining
scenes in the film, he meets the real Michael
and, believing him to be one of his staff, starts
shouting at him to bugger off. Mike gives him a
strange look for a few seconds, then turns around
and lurches off.
intelligent slutty girl and creepy weird bloke
start gettin' it on in the dungeon basement
thing, but they're interrupted by a wall
collapsing and a load of plastic skeletons
falling out. Weird bloke retreats, but slut
continues and finds Michael's little setup,
complete with half-eaten rats, one of which is
unrealistically still alive. Mike turns up and
impales her on a spike, because everyone knows
constantly using a butcher knife can get very
to go is slutty blonde, decapitated by a single
sweep of Mike's knife (oh, to buggery with
realism, thinks the director), and only then do
the "heroes" realise their unfortunate
situation. Next to go is creepy weird bloke. Once
again bored with the butcher knife, Mike grabs
him and crushes his skull. Token black bloke is
nailed to a door with three knives and left to
dangle. Now only Busta Rhymes and heroine remain.
Mr. Rhymes doesn't seem to have a key to the
house despite organising the whole thing, so they
try to escape through windows but find them all
boarded up. Eventually Mike ... you know, I don't
know why I'm bothering with all this. You know
the score. They try to kill him a couple of times
and think they've succeeded but haven't. Let's
spin on, shall we?
only bit you need to know about is a little
later. Heroine is trapped under a fallen desk.
The room is on fire. Mike is coming for her. He
raises his knife just as Busta Rhymes (believed
dead) bursts in, says a one-liner, and begins ...
er ... karate-kicking the unstoppable killer.
Mike's not too impressed until Mr. Rhymes grabs a
power cable and zaps him with it. Myers collapses
into a load of live wires and is heavily
electrocuted, then the house burns up around him
while the others escape. His body gets wheeled
into a morgue and, just before the ending, his
eyes flick open. Whoop de fuckin' do.
know what? This film was not very good at all.
The opening scene with Jamie Lee was the
highlight, but after that it all descends into
very familiar teen slasher territory, full of
crap dialogue and shallow characters.
me tell you what the next film will be about,
because there will be another when the cash cow
needs milking again. It will centre around the
heroine of this film, probably at university. She
will have made some new friends, including a
couple of slutty girls, some boys for them to get
it on with, and one or two token ethnic
characters. She may or may not have a boyfriend,
whose death is pretty much guaranteed. Michael
will turn up and slit them all up a treat in
various inventive ways, and the heroine will
continually evade him until finding out that she
is distantly related to him. Finally Michael will
be supposedly killed, and in the end his eyes
will flick open just before the end credits roll.
know this is what will happen, because this is
what ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS. Someone please get
an urgent message to Hollywood; WE DON'T WANT ANY
MORE OF THESE STUPID FUCKING VAGUELY PARODICAL
TEEN SLASHER MOVIES!! GIVE US SOMETHING NEW!!
JASON X WAS A BRAVE TRY! YOU WILL OBEY ME, FOR I
SPEAK FOR THE MOVIEGOING, MONEY-PAYING MASSES! DO
AS I SAY, BITCHES!!!
in Ears Rating: 8/10
But this just might be because I saw
this in a cinema, and it was very loud.
to Last Film Rating: 7/10
Setting and situation may be different,
but they're both just stupid teen slasher movies.
and Guts Rating: 7/10
Meh. The usual blood-dripping knives and
Nekkid and DIE! Rating: 9/10
Of course it applies. It applies to all
teen slasher movies because of that stupid
fucking self-parody thing Scream introduced.
Heroes Rating: 10/10
You get the feeling that Busta Rhymes
only agreed to be in this film if he could be the
wise-cracking, karate-kicking hero, and his
presence is certainly not welcome.
Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 8/10
Do yourself a favour and pretend the
series ended at Halloween 6. Or better still,
write your own script where Michael turns out to
be an alien from the planet Zog who befriends a
little boy and returns home in a big flying
saucer at the end. I guarantee it will be a
better film than this.
Summary: "Evil fucking capitalist directors
bleeding money from the honest hard-working
horror movie patrons"
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