Aside from the
usual percentage and one-word summary, you'll no
doubt notice that my reviews of horror movie
sequels have their own special ratings, because
they've been brought over from my last website
and I just can't be bothered to edit them any
more. For the dangerously stupid, here is a
print-out-and-keep guide to the special ratings.
In Ears Rating: This is to gauge how
scary the film is. If I find myself hiding behind
a cushion with my ears blocked I'm probably
watching a film that will recieve a high FIE
rating. Either that or a Doctor Who episode with
the Daleks in. Jesus those things freak me out.
To Last Film Rating: Most sequels being
rather obvious attempts to milk an already
rapidly drying cash cow, you'll often find a lot
of them bear a surprisingly close resemblance to
And Guts Rating: A high score here will
show just how welcome this film would be in a
Hieronymous Bosch painting.
Nekkid And DIE! Rating: The most
fundamental horror movie sequel principle of all.
If a character's death follows sex, nudity, or a
vocalised intention to commence either, then the
film earns points here. Usually most prevalent in
Jason films, but you'd be surprised how popular
it can be.
Heroes Rating: There's a reason why the
Jason films only follow the exploits of a masked
maniac for nine sequels. It's because no-one
wants to watch films about oversexed losers who
scream too much. Oh wait, American Pie was
popular. Disregard this.
Horror Movie Sequel Rating: This is
basically just the average score of the above
four ratings to indicate how closely the film
adheres to the horror movie sequel genre. IT IS
NOT AN INDICATION OF THE FILM'S QUALITY, as some
people have difficulty understanding. Just so
long as we're all clear on this.
are also special ratings for 'erotic thriller'
reviews. This brave little sub-genre of
pornography, like the horror movie sequel, also
has a set of rules, and here they are.
Law Rating: There always tends to be a
character in an 'erotic thriller' who belongs to
a law enforcement agency. They usually get laid a
lot, which adds weight to my 'porn: mindless fun
or police recruitment propaganda?' theory.
Private detectives also count.
Lesbians Rating: Attractive young
lesbians ALWAYS turn out to be evil, and evil
women always have lesbian scenes at some point.
Interestingly we don't see many gay men in erotic
thrilers, good or evil. This is because gay men
do not exist and are a myth perpetuated by
parents to scare their children, not unlike the
Clothes Rating: Also a basic tenet of hentai games, clothing often tends to
disappear into the ether as a sex scene begins,
never to be seen again. I'm not quite sure how
this works but I think it might be something to
do with friction.
The Breast Rating: Part of the foreplay
in all erotic thrillers is the essential 'Eating
the Breast' routine, in which the male attempts
to stuff his partner's mammary gland into his
mouth. This doesn't happen with Pamela Anderson
much, mainly due to the choking hazard.
Not Porn, Honest" Rating: Erotic
thrillers hate being described as porn, and in
order to shake off this label will usually cut
sex scenes to just five or ten minutes (or even
cut them altogether), refrain from showing too
many nipples and pubic hair, or pretend to have
some semblance of a plot.
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