Aside from the usual percentage and one-word summary, you'll no doubt notice that my reviews of horror movie sequels have their own special ratings, because they've been brought over from my last website and I just can't be bothered to edit them any more. For the dangerously stupid, here is a print-out-and-keep guide to the special ratings.

Fingers In Ears Rating: This is to gauge how scary the film is. If I find myself hiding behind a cushion with my ears blocked I'm probably watching a film that will recieve a high FIE rating. Either that or a Doctor Who episode with the Daleks in. Jesus those things freak me out.

Similarity To Last Film Rating: Most sequels being rather obvious attempts to milk an already rapidly drying cash cow, you'll often find a lot of them bear a surprisingly close resemblance to the original.

Blood And Guts Rating: A high score here will show just how welcome this film would be in a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

Get Nekkid And DIE! Rating: The most fundamental horror movie sequel principle of all. If a character's death follows sex, nudity, or a vocalised intention to commence either, then the film earns points here. Usually most prevalent in Jason films, but you'd be surprised how popular it can be.

Hateful Heroes Rating: There's a reason why the Jason films only follow the exploits of a masked maniac for nine sequels. It's because no-one wants to watch films about oversexed losers who scream too much. Oh wait, American Pie was popular. Disregard this.

Overall Horror Movie Sequel Rating: This is basically just the average score of the above four ratings to indicate how closely the film adheres to the horror movie sequel genre. IT IS NOT AN INDICATION OF THE FILM'S QUALITY, as some people have difficulty understanding. Just so long as we're all clear on this.

There are also special ratings for 'erotic thriller' reviews. This brave little sub-genre of pornography, like the horror movie sequel, also has a set of rules, and here they are.

Johnny Law Rating: There always tends to be a character in an 'erotic thriller' who belongs to a law enforcement agency. They usually get laid a lot, which adds weight to my 'porn: mindless fun or police recruitment propaganda?' theory. Private detectives also count.

Evil Lesbians Rating: Attractive young lesbians ALWAYS turn out to be evil, and evil women always have lesbian scenes at some point. Interestingly we don't see many gay men in erotic thrilers, good or evil. This is because gay men do not exist and are a myth perpetuated by parents to scare their children, not unlike the Bogeyman.

Vanishing Clothes Rating: Also a basic tenet of hentai games, clothing often tends to disappear into the ether as a sex scene begins, never to be seen again. I'm not quite sure how this works but I think it might be something to do with friction.

Eating The Breast Rating: Part of the foreplay in all erotic thrillers is the essential 'Eating the Breast' routine, in which the male attempts to stuff his partner's mammary gland into his mouth. This doesn't happen with Pamela Anderson much, mainly due to the choking hazard.

"It's Not Porn, Honest" Rating: Erotic thrillers hate being described as porn, and in order to shake off this label will usually cut sex scenes to just five or ten minutes (or even cut them altogether), refrain from showing too many nipples and pubic hair, or pretend to have some semblance of a plot.

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