Mad props go out to Daniel 'dudefather' McFarline who was kind enough to send me copies of all the Jason movies I haven't seen. I am now required to tattoo the words "I AM DANIEL McFARLINE'S BITCH" on my chest. Or perhaps just send him some money.

So, now I have seen all the Jason films, except the first one which didn't have Jason in and as such doesn't count. I suppose I could review each one individually over six weeks, but that would result in six very similar reviews of very similar films. So, instead, I'm a-going to talk about every single one of them. Hold onto your hats!

Instead of the usual Horror Movie Sequel Rating, each movie will be assessed on the J.A.S.O.N. system, this being:

Jason himself: how he looks in this one and how he has evolved since his last stabbing expedition.
Archetypes: Which of the standard archetypal characters turn up to be killed.*
Survivors: Who lives to shag another day.
Oddities: The stuff that makes absolutely no sense.
N-ding: How Jason is put back into Dormant Mode for another year.

From Jason 3; immediately prior to inflicting stabby death.

*The standard archetypes for the people who are lined up for Jason to slash up like screaming oversexed bowling pins in these films are, in no particular order:

Angsty McTroubled: The troubled angsty teen with a dark secret or who is getting over some Jason-related trauma that took place in the past. Inevitably the hero.
Doctor Hilarious: The cheeky prankster, who is to be mistaken for Jason early in the film, scares people witless with silly pranks, and whom Jason will no doubt be mistaken for at some point.
Prissybitch Hateful: The sassy girl who is needlessly cruel to everyone else right up until the point she is inevitably gutted to the cheers of a thankful audience.
Kooky J. Oversexed: The wacky girl who just can't keep her pants on for five minutes! There's nothing she likes more than skinnydipping!
Mackdaddy Suave: Hopefully self-explanatory. For some reason, usually best friends with Nerdy Von Crapinbed (see below)
Nerdy Von Crapinbed: The awkward geek who is shagged or almost shagged by Prissybitch Hateful or Kooky J. Oversexed and is ridiculed for poor sexual prowess.
Cutekid Adorable: Small child who ALWAYS survives because of a weird conscience problem producers have with depicting the violent death of minors.
Omen McFuckedinthehead: Local loony whose job it is to warn the cast of their impending slaughter, who appears for all of nine seconds and is taken about as seriously as a small dog wearing a garland of flowers.
Senor(ita) Generic: Characters with absolutely no defining characteristics thrown in to beef up the body count.

So then, let's get started!

FRIDAY THE 13th PART THREE

Jason: Manages without a mask for a while before he picks up the famous hockey mask, left considerately by Doctor Hilarious. Also, his dungarees seemed to be getting him down, so he changed into a nice green top and beige slacks. He's a bit of a chubster at this stage. I guess all that stabbing works off the calories.

Archetypes: Angsty McTroubled, Doctor Hilarious, Kooky J. Oversexed, Omen McFuckedinthehead, Senor(ita) Generic x about 3 or 4. Also some well hard biker types.

Survivors: Angsty McTroubled, and that's it.

Oddities: Angsty McTroubled in this film talks endlessly about an encounter she had three years hence with Jason, who grabbed her and attempted to instigate stabbity death. She claims she blacked out and woke up in her own bed. Why didn't Jason follow through like he usually does? I guess he was distracted by something shiny. Also, at the end, in a somewhat naive attempt to recreate the shock value of the original's ending, Jason's mum rises from the lake to grab Angsty McTroubled. Her head is conspicuously attached to her body.

One more odd thing: When the police investigate the murder site, there are bodies everywhere - including Jason's - while the last survivor is led away in an ambulance. Here's my problem; why is Angsty McTroubled above police suspicion?

"Who killed all these people?"

"That guy there. The dead guy."

N-Ding: Jason is hanged, then gets an axe in the head. You know, technically he's still supposed to be mortal at this point. Technically he probably shouldn't have survived being fucking HANGED.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART FOUR: THE FINAL CHAPTER (Ho ho ho)

Jason: Pretty much same as last time, only slightly paler and with a massive fucking axe wound in his skull which doesn't seem to hinder him much.

Archetypes: Cutekid Adorable, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Mackdaddy Suave, Kooky J. Oversexed, Senor(ita) Generic x loads.

Survivors: Cutekid Adorable and his sister, one of the many Senorita Generics.

Oddities: Cutekid Adorable shaves his head before taking on Jason. As much as I despise this expression, Double-You Tee Eff? Oh, and let's not forget that Jason gets his arse kicked (and is genuinely killed) at the hands of a fucking KID.

N-Ding: See above. That's pretty much it.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART FIVE: A NEW BEGINNING

Jason: Anything I say here will be mitigated by the fact that Jason wasn't actually Jason, but some ambulance driver who decided the best response to bereavement was to kill every single motherfucker in the world. Of course, he doesn't possess Jason's legendary endurance, which is why, when he's heavily wounded and dragging himself towards his intended prey, you can almost see the look in his eyes that says "Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea?"

Archetypes: Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed x 2, Mackdaddy Suave, Cutekid Adorable, Prissybitch Hateful, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Senor(ita) Generic x shitloads.

Survivors: The usual suspects: Angsty McTroubled and Cutekid Adorable. Oh, and one Senorita Generic.

Oddities: Minibus driver who feels dropping off extremely troubled youths at a loony bin is the ideal opportunity to demand sex from a passing duty nurse. Also someone mentions at some point that the original Jason Voorhees' body was cremated, but I don't think we were supposed to notice.

N-Ding: Badly fucked in the head by his encounters with Jason and his contemporaries, Angsty McTroubled puts on a hockey mask and seems about to stab Senorita Generic when the credits roll. This could've been interesting if they'd made anything of it in the next film.

From Jason 7; immediately prior to getting his arse kicked.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART SIX: JASON LIVES

Jason: Still badly fucked in the head from the last film, Angsty McTroubled digs up Jason's corpse and is about to burn it when a lightning bolt reanimates the J-man as an unstoppable zombie killer. Angsty McTroubled could have been considerate enough to not leave it until Jason's body was in an extremely advanced state of decomposition.

Archetypes: Angsty McTroubled (of course), Kooky J. Oversexed, Mackdaddy Suave, Senor(ita) Generic x billions, and about fifty Cutekid Adorables.

Survivors: Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed and the aforementioned Cutekid Adorables.

Oddities: Like in Jason Goes To Hell, the police officers who arrest Angsty McTroubled for Jason's crimes are determined not to be proved wrong under any circumstances, even when people have been killed in a manner Angsty McTroubled is transparently incapable of. However, this film responds to an ongoing oddity in this series: "If this is supposed to be a kid's campground, where are all the little kids? Don't tell me they only populate these places with attractive teenage counsellors".

N-Ding: Angsty McTroubled, giving himself far too much work to do, somehow manages to get a chain around Jason's neck, attaches it to a big rock, and chucks the rock in the lake. Also, Angsty and Kooky J. Oversexed get it together, which always happens if both a man and a woman survive the film. Jason the matchmaker!

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART SEVEN: THE NEW BLOOD

Jason: In an even more advanced state of decomposition than last time. Also now having undergone heavy water damage, he's like some kind of lumbering swamp thing. He rises from the grave after a brand new Angsty McTroubled uses her psychokinetic powers to attempt to bring back her dead dad. I know I throw this phrase around at pretty much everything, but believe me when I say that that is FUCKED UP.

Archetypes: Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed, Prissybitch Hateful, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Mackdaddy Suave, Doctor Hilarious and an armful of Senor(ita) Generics.

Survivors: Angsty McTroubled and her Senor Generic boyfriend.

Oddities: Some evil doctor bloke is found to be deliberately making Angsty even more angsty so her powers will... do ... something. He seems to have an active interest in Jason Voorhees, perhaps he intended her to bring him back. For scientific reasons? Because he's a cult leader? This plot point is never fucking resolved. At one point, Angsty McTroubled succeeds in hanging Jason with her amazing telekinetic powers, but then she cuts him down again, apparently relying on the possibility that the ONE STOREY FALL will finish him off. Also, how come no-one can outrun Jason when he only moves at a slow lumbering plod?

N-Ding: Jason once again finds himself chained to the bottom of the lake, thanks in part to Angsty McTroubled's dead dad, who is at a surprisingly low stage of decomposition despite having been dead underwater for years.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART EIGHT: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

Jason: A passing ship's anchor pierces an electric cable and zaps Jason's corpse (now very highly decomposed and saturated with slime) full of ten squillion volts. Oh, for silly luck! The J-man hops aboard a boat en route to New York and has a gay old time. Perhaps a more accurate title for this film would be "Jason kills people on a boat for most of the film then spends about fifteen minutes in Manhattan".

Archetypes: A brand new Angsty McTroubled, Prissybitch Hateful, Doctor Hilarious, Mackdaddy Suave, Omen McFuckedinthehead, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Kooky J. Oversexed, countless Senor(ita) Generics and I suppose Cutekid Adorable if we're counting flashbacks. So I guess this one has the full house.

Survivors: Once again, Angsty McTroubled and her Senor Generic boyfriend.

Oddities: Numerous and bizarre. Prissybitch Hateful nudges Angsty McTroubled lightly, and she topples off the deck into the sea. I always thought they had railings to prevent this sort of thing. They make a big thing of Angsty McTroubled being really scared of water, which obviously explains why she readily agrees to come on a boat in the first place. There's a small dog who can somehow survive everything that's thrown at it and track down its master afterwards. Also, it's as if the entire population of New York are phantom images, as none of them pay any attention to Jason and he doesn't seem to register them unless they get in his way. All of this must be ignored, however, in favour of the most nonsensical ending in the entire history of cinematography.

N-Ding: Jason is engulfed in toxic waste in a sewer, and when the flood subsides, his hideously scarred and rotted carcass has turned into... er... a little kid. I think I'm going to forget that this ever happened. The people who made Jason Goes To Hell certainly did.

From Jason 8, immediately prior to crapout ending.

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