props go out to Daniel 'dudefather' McFarline who
was kind enough to send me copies of all the
Jason movies I haven't seen. I am now required to
tattoo the words "I AM DANIEL McFARLINE'S
BITCH" on my chest. Or perhaps just send him
now I have seen all the Jason films, except the
first one which didn't have Jason in and as such
doesn't count. I suppose I could review each one
individually over six weeks, but that would
result in six very similar reviews of very
similar films. So, instead, I'm a-going to talk
about every single one of them. Hold onto your
of the usual Horror Movie Sequel Rating, each
movie will be assessed on the J.A.S.O.N. system,
himself: how he looks in this one and how he has
evolved since his last stabbing expedition.
Archetypes: Which of the
standard archetypal characters turn up to be
Survivors: Who lives to shag
Oddities: The stuff that makes
absolutely no sense.
N-ding: How Jason is put back
into Dormant Mode for another year.
From Jason 3; immediately prior to inflicting
standard archetypes for the people who are lined
up for Jason to slash up like screaming oversexed
bowling pins in these films are, in no particular
McTroubled: The troubled angsty teen
with a dark secret or who is getting over some
Jason-related trauma that took place in the past.
Inevitably the hero.
Doctor Hilarious: The cheeky
prankster, who is to be mistaken for Jason early
in the film, scares people witless with silly
pranks, and whom Jason will no doubt be mistaken
for at some point.
Prissybitch Hateful: The sassy
girl who is needlessly cruel to everyone else
right up until the point she is inevitably gutted
to the cheers of a thankful audience.
Kooky J. Oversexed: The wacky
girl who just can't keep her pants on for five
minutes! There's nothing she likes more than
Mackdaddy Suave: Hopefully
self-explanatory. For some reason, usually best
friends with Nerdy Von Crapinbed (see below)
Nerdy Von Crapinbed: The awkward
geek who is shagged or almost shagged by
Prissybitch Hateful or Kooky J. Oversexed and is
ridiculed for poor sexual prowess.
Cutekid Adorable: Small child
who ALWAYS survives because of a weird conscience
problem producers have with depicting the violent
death of minors.
Omen McFuckedinthehead: Local
loony whose job it is to warn the cast of their
impending slaughter, who appears for all of nine
seconds and is taken about as seriously as a
small dog wearing a garland of flowers.
Senor(ita) Generic: Characters
with absolutely no defining characteristics
thrown in to beef up the body count.
then, let's get started!
THE 13th PART THREE
Manages without a mask for a while before he
picks up the famous hockey mask, left
considerately by Doctor Hilarious. Also, his
dungarees seemed to be getting him down, so he
changed into a nice green top and beige slacks.
He's a bit of a chubster at this stage. I guess
all that stabbing works off the calories.
Angsty McTroubled, Doctor Hilarious, Kooky J.
Oversexed, Omen McFuckedinthehead, Senor(ita)
Generic x about 3 or 4. Also some well hard biker
Angsty McTroubled, and that's it.
Angsty McTroubled in this film talks endlessly
about an encounter she had three years hence with
Jason, who grabbed her and attempted to instigate
stabbity death. She claims she blacked out and
woke up in her own bed. Why didn't Jason follow
through like he usually does? I guess he was
distracted by something shiny. Also, at the end,
in a somewhat naive attempt to recreate the shock
value of the original's ending, Jason's mum rises
from the lake to grab Angsty McTroubled. Her head
is conspicuously attached to her body.
more odd thing: When the police investigate the
murder site, there are bodies everywhere -
including Jason's - while the last survivor is
led away in an ambulance. Here's my problem; why
is Angsty McTroubled above police suspicion?
killed all these people?"
guy there. The dead guy."
Jason is hanged, then gets an axe in the head.
You know, technically he's still supposed to be
mortal at this point. Technically he probably
shouldn't have survived being fucking HANGED.
THE THIRTEENTH PART FOUR: THE FINAL CHAPTER (Ho
Pretty much same as last time, only slightly
paler and with a massive fucking axe wound in his
skull which doesn't seem to hinder him much.
Cutekid Adorable, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Mackdaddy
Suave, Kooky J. Oversexed, Senor(ita) Generic x
Cutekid Adorable and his sister, one of the many
Cutekid Adorable shaves his head before taking on
Jason. As much as I despise this expression,
Double-You Tee Eff? Oh, and let's not forget that
Jason gets his arse kicked (and is genuinely
killed) at the hands of a fucking KID.
See above. That's pretty much it.
THE THIRTEENTH PART FIVE: A NEW BEGINNING
Anything I say here will be mitigated by the fact
that Jason wasn't actually Jason, but some
ambulance driver who decided the best response to
bereavement was to kill every single motherfucker
in the world. Of course, he doesn't possess
Jason's legendary endurance, which is why, when
he's heavily wounded and dragging himself towards
his intended prey, you can almost see the look in
his eyes that says "Why the fuck did I think
this was a good idea?"
Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed x 2,
Mackdaddy Suave, Cutekid Adorable, Prissybitch
Hateful, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Senor(ita) Generic
The usual suspects: Angsty McTroubled and Cutekid
Adorable. Oh, and one Senorita Generic.
Minibus driver who feels dropping off extremely
troubled youths at a loony bin is the ideal
opportunity to demand sex from a passing duty
nurse. Also someone mentions at some point that
the original Jason Voorhees' body was cremated,
but I don't think we were supposed to notice.
Badly fucked in the head by his encounters with
Jason and his contemporaries, Angsty McTroubled
puts on a hockey mask and seems about to stab
Senorita Generic when the credits roll. This
could've been interesting if they'd made anything
of it in the next film.
From Jason 7; immediately prior to getting his
THE THIRTEENTH PART SIX: JASON LIVES
Still badly fucked in the head from the last
film, Angsty McTroubled digs up Jason's corpse
and is about to burn it when a lightning bolt
reanimates the J-man as an unstoppable zombie
killer. Angsty McTroubled could have been
considerate enough to not leave it until Jason's
body was in an extremely advanced state of
Angsty McTroubled (of course), Kooky J.
Oversexed, Mackdaddy Suave, Senor(ita) Generic x
billions, and about fifty Cutekid Adorables.
Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed and the
aforementioned Cutekid Adorables.
Like in Jason Goes To Hell, the police officers
who arrest Angsty McTroubled for Jason's crimes
are determined not to be proved wrong under any
circumstances, even when people have been killed
in a manner Angsty McTroubled is transparently
incapable of. However, this film responds to an
ongoing oddity in this series: "If this is
supposed to be a kid's campground, where are all
the little kids? Don't tell me they only populate
these places with attractive teenage
Angsty McTroubled, giving himself far too much
work to do, somehow manages to get a chain around
Jason's neck, attaches it to a big rock, and
chucks the rock in the lake. Also, Angsty and
Kooky J. Oversexed get it together, which always
happens if both a man and a woman survive the
film. Jason the matchmaker!
THE THIRTEENTH PART SEVEN: THE NEW BLOOD
In an even more advanced state of decomposition
than last time. Also now having undergone heavy
water damage, he's like some kind of lumbering
swamp thing. He rises from the grave after a
brand new Angsty McTroubled uses her
psychokinetic powers to attempt to bring back her
dead dad. I know I throw this phrase around at
pretty much everything, but believe me when I say
that that is FUCKED UP.
Angsty McTroubled, Kooky J. Oversexed,
Prissybitch Hateful, Nerdy Von Crapinbed,
Mackdaddy Suave, Doctor Hilarious and an armful
of Senor(ita) Generics.
Angsty McTroubled and her Senor Generic
Some evil doctor bloke is found to be
deliberately making Angsty even more angsty so
her powers will... do ... something. He seems to
have an active interest in Jason Voorhees,
perhaps he intended her to bring him back. For
scientific reasons? Because he's a cult leader?
This plot point is never fucking resolved. At one
point, Angsty McTroubled succeeds in hanging
Jason with her amazing telekinetic powers, but
then she cuts him down again, apparently relying
on the possibility that the ONE STOREY FALL will
finish him off. Also, how come no-one can outrun
Jason when he only moves at a slow lumbering
Jason once again finds himself chained to the
bottom of the lake, thanks in part to Angsty
McTroubled's dead dad, who is at a surprisingly
low stage of decomposition despite having been
dead underwater for years.
THE THIRTEENTH PART EIGHT: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
A passing ship's anchor pierces an electric cable
and zaps Jason's corpse (now very highly
decomposed and saturated with slime) full of ten
squillion volts. Oh, for silly luck! The J-man
hops aboard a boat en route to New York and has a
gay old time. Perhaps a more accurate title for
this film would be "Jason kills people on a
boat for most of the film then spends about
fifteen minutes in Manhattan".
A brand new Angsty McTroubled, Prissybitch
Hateful, Doctor Hilarious, Mackdaddy Suave, Omen
McFuckedinthehead, Nerdy Von Crapinbed, Kooky J.
Oversexed, countless Senor(ita) Generics and I
suppose Cutekid Adorable if we're counting
flashbacks. So I guess this one has the full
Once again, Angsty McTroubled and her Senor
Numerous and bizarre. Prissybitch Hateful nudges
Angsty McTroubled lightly, and she topples off
the deck into the sea. I always thought they had
railings to prevent this sort of thing. They make
a big thing of Angsty McTroubled being really
scared of water, which obviously explains why she
readily agrees to come on a boat in the first
place. There's a small dog who can somehow
survive everything that's thrown at it and track
down its master afterwards. Also, it's as if the
entire population of New York are phantom images,
as none of them pay any attention to Jason and he
doesn't seem to register them unless they get in
his way. All of this must be ignored, however, in
favour of the most nonsensical ending in the
entire history of cinematography.
Jason is engulfed in toxic waste in a sewer, and
when the flood subsides, his hideously scarred
and rotted carcass has turned into... er... a
little kid. I think I'm going to forget that this
ever happened. The people who made Jason Goes To
Hell certainly did.
From Jason 8, immediately prior to crapout
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