It's an interesting concept, isn't it? The Freddy Krueger films, I mean. A child murderer gets torched by a load angry parents and comes back to take revenge on their children in their dreams. But what with there being six sequels you have to wonder exactly how many parents were present at the great Freddy cook-out. Was someone selling tickets or something? Was the K-man too wrapped up in his work to notice the rattle of turnstiles and shout of hot dog peddlers outside his house?

Anyway, this here is one of the best of the series: Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Or perhaps a more appropriate name for this film would have been Densemare on Stupid Street Thick: Braindead Warriors. Everyone in this film is dangerously stupid. Not 'A glacier is a bloke who fixes windows' stupid, mind. More sort of 'I wonder what will happen if I stick this carrot in the wall socket' stupid. Without exception.

Let's go from the start. This girl is trying to keep awake. She's making a model of a house out of papier mache and lolly sticks. Whenever she nods slightly she has a spoonful of raw coffee and a swig of Coke and turns the radio up. Then her slutty mother (who is clearly thick) nags her into bed, where she falls instantly asleep. Yes, that's right. She's been scorfing down raw coffee all night but when she's in bed she's instantly fast asleep. I think you were using the wrong sort of coffee, missy.

He enjoys his work.

She dreams of the house she's building with all these little kids running round it. Some little girl on a trike goes in the front door so main girl chases after her. Now, come on! From frequent reference we know she's been having this sort of dream for ages! Surely she must know by now not to go in that freakin' house!

Oh well. My therapist tells me I shouldn't get so worked up about that sort of thing. She picks up the little girl and flees down a corridor. In several scenes she is holding what the producers would like you to think is a little girl but is transparently a dolly. Then she steps in some squelchy mud and starts running on the spot. I'm not kidding, you have to see this to believe it. She doesn't get stuck in mud so she can't move, nor do her feet slip, she just runs on the spot for a few seconds while yelling in distress. Round the corner comes the highlight of the film - Fred Krueger, Esq. Fortunately (or possibly not) the girl remembers the correct sequence of movements for running forwards and evades Freddy seconds before he slashes her.

Remember that Freddy is the master of the dream world. If he so wanted he could snap his fingers and every dreaming child in the known universe would disentegrate in their beds. But no! He's far too thick and villain-y for that sort of thing, he wants to faff about first.

Right, speed plot mode. She goes to a nut house full of kids all being tormented by the K-man, being looked after by baffled staff too thick to be impressed by the fact that all the kids dreamed about the same guy before they even met. The only member of staff who believes them is some thick chick called Nancy who's the obligatory Character From A Previous Film. She's on dream-suppressing drugs to keep Freddy at bay and argues that the kids should be given the same drugs.

Fair enough, I thought. They're all mortified of these nightmares and seem to be killing themselves because of them. But thick matron type woman won't have it! She is right and everyone else is wrong. This matron type woman will indirectly kill most of the cast and blame someone else. What a bitch. Dr. Neil (twinkly-eyed doctor type person) is sympathetic to Nancy but doesn't believe her about Freddy - can you blame him? - until one kid sleepwalks off a building and another gets her head stuck in a TV (a cool scene).

Away from matron bitch's prying eyes Neil, Nancy and the remaining kids go into group hypnosis and enter the dream world. Nancy (who now believes herself to be an expert on this sort of thing just 'cos she almost defeated Freddy in the first film, the prissy cow) teaches the misfits to use their individual Dream Powers. Some wheelchair bound D&D-playing kid shows off his new wizard powers. Token black kid bends a chair. Ex-heroin addict girl becomes ... er ... a cockatoo, I think. Or perhaps that was the hair. Enough of this nancy-boy bollocks, let's have more Freddy. He attacks them and puts some mute kid into a coma, but the rest escape.

Neil's convinced, but matron-woman blames the coma on the drugs and has he and Nancy fired right away. Now, I reckon the best course of action for the kids was to now enter another group dream and invade matron's dreams, then kick her arse with their dream-powers. But no, they're far too thick and misfitty for that.

Following the advice of an anonymous nun, Neil and Nancy's dad (who originally killed Freddy Krueger, what a pleasant coincidence) go and find Freddy's remains in the middle of a scrapyard and prepare to give him a proper funeral, putting Freddy's unquiet soul at rest. Meanwhile Nancy sneaks into the kids' room and they enter a new group dream, but get separated in Freddy's house of fun. D&D kid is attacked by a wheelchair but then summons his wizard powers and blows it up, which surprises the K-man no end. But then D&D kid tries to use his zappy power on Freddy, and is thick enough to walk right up to him as he does it, and gets razors in his heart for his trouble. Heroin-addict girl shows off her new switchblades and infuriating sense of superiority. Unimpressed, Freddy introduces Miss Vein to Mr Heroin Overdose. Two down. This is the sort of film that makes you hope the villain wins. And he does. But in a disguised way.

"Welcome to prime time, bitch!" Oh, that Freddy.

Black kid, girl from first scene and girl from previous film are all that remain to rescue comatosed kid from Freddy. They confront him in some dark smokey place. Nancy puts a spike through him. Now, this is one of the thickest moments of the film, 'cos Freddy grins and removes the spike, and the kids realise he isn't human. Er, what? Didn't all the other stuff give you a clue? I'd've thought if there's one thing the kids have been certain of so far, it's that the K-man ain't human no more, but no. Apparently he had to survive a spike through the chest to clinch the argument. Tch.

Half-way through killing black kid Freddy senses something, and vanishes. How rude. Back in the waking world, Freddy's skeletal remains come to life, kick Neil's ass and kill Nancy's dad. Neil lies unconscious in the grave they had prepared for the K-man, and the skeleton buries him alive. At least, I presume that was the plan. News flash, Freddy - three spadefuls of dirt does not constitute 'burying alive'. It's certainly no reason to roar in triumph then return to dreamland to finish off the kids. Over the next few scenes Neil un-buries himself (or rather, gets out from under a one-millimetre layer of dirt) and shoves the now-quiet remains back in the grave.

Surely if Freddy can sense his grave being dug he can sense his remains being put in them, but apparently he's too busy with the kids. After mute kid discovers his dream power (a voice, of all things) and breaks a few mirrors the kids come to the rather premature conclusion that they've defeated Freddy. It seems adrenaline makes people even more thick. The ghost of Nancy's dad comes down to say farewell to the girl herself. You know half-way through the touching hug that, duh, it's not Nancy's dad. In go the knives and down goes Nancy. Slam goes the door and scream goes the other girl.

In her death throes Nancy sticks Freddy full of his own knives, while Neil sprinkles holy water on his remains. Now Neil, I know you're a bit agitated, but let's review some dialogue from that nun friend of yours - "You must bury his remains on hallowed ground". I don't know if you personally consider the middle of a scrapyard hallowed ground, but I think any passing clergyman would argue. Neil, you utter twit. I think we've discovered the reason why Nightmare on Elm Street 4 existed, and why, at some point in NOES 6, Freddy says "First they tried to burn me, then they tried to bury me, then - and this is what tickles me - they even tried holy water."

In the dream world Freddy is destroyed in a burst of light by the holy water and disappears through an imaginary door with an imaginary sign above it reading 'To The Sequel'. Nancy dies, surviving kids and Neil attend the funeral, Neil discovers his nun friend was the ghost of Freddy's dead mum. Shyeah, like anyone didn't know that. And the film has the obligatory 'Thing at the end where we know there's gonna be a sequel'.

So there we go, that's Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Thick people get killed, other thick people survive to get killed in the sequel. It's a brutish life as a victim in an Elm Street film.

Ratings time!

Fingers in ears rating - 4/10
There aren't many jumpy moments you don't see coming a mile off, but the TV scene was just sooo cool.

Similarity to last film rating - 4/10
Nightmare on Elm Street 2 was just so gay. Literally. Dream Warriors introduces new concepts and stuff, it's not just another bloodbath, so it gets a low mark. Four points for Freddy and use of character from a previous film.

Get nekkid and DIE! rating - 5/10
Tricky one. Only person who gets nekkid turns out to be Freddy in disguise, and I suppose Freddy's already dead, isn't he? Give it a five for effort.

Blood and guts rating - 5/10
Surprisingly tame for a Freddy film. Nowhere near as bloody as NOES 1 or even (gay) NOES 2. Some blood when blond girl slits her wrist, but not much, and a bit where some kid's veins come out of his arms and legs is nice and bloody.

Hateful heroes rating - 10/10
Hell yeah! I didn't like Nancy in the first film, and now she's a prissy bitch, too. Neil is a tosser. TV-head girl is too girly. D&D kid is just such a prat. Ex-heroin girl and black kid are arrogant as hell. And mute kid's a loser. You end up rooting for Freddy.

Overall horror movie sequel rating - 6/10
Sure it's a good film, but is it like a normal horror movie sequel? Oh dear me no.

Quality Rating: 79%

One-word Summary: "Misfit"

Incidentally: This film also stars Laurence Fishburne in one of his early roles, and in the credits his name is "Larry Fishburne". I found this incredibly amusing and I don't know why. He doesn't get killed. Maybe Event Horizon can scratch that itch for you.

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