Sometimes I think I work myself too hard. I was just discussing this the other day with my manservant while he polished my toenails and his pretty daughter fed me grapes. I mean, I have two more Nightmare on Elm Street films in my collection - 4 and 5 - which are, to be pretty much brutally honest, practically identical. And sure, I could have reviewed one and then posted the same review a few months later when everyone had forgotten about it, only changing the name of the film. But nay! I could not do such an awful thing. So I bade myself the task of tackling both simultaneously. Right then, if we're all clear on this matter, let's begin!

THE SUBTITLE

NOES IV: 'The Dream Master'

NOES V: 'The Dream Child'

I think I'm going to go with the first one here, as it really is a title you could respect, while the second could very easily be the name of some heartwarming sentimental drama.

WINNER: IV

THE PLOT

NOES IV: Freddy Kreuger comes back to life by some unlikely means and terrorises a group of teens, polishing off all the surviving characters from the previous film in a variety of highly decorative ways before moving onto the rest of the cast who never believe the main character until it's too late, until only a smattering of folk remain to finish off the Kreuger lad by learning how to believe in themselves or some shit.

NOES V: Freddy Kreuger comes back to life by some unlikely means and terrorises a group of teens, polishing off all the surviving characters from the previous film in a variety of highly decorative ways before moving onto the rest of the cast who never believe the main character until it's too late, until only a smattering of folk remain to finish off the Kreuger lad by learning how to believe in themselves or some shit.

Although, to be fair, this could really apply to any film in the series. Except perhaps the first one, if only because there weren't any characters from a previous film to polish off.

WINNER: TIE

THE METHOD BY WHICH FREDDY RETURNS

NOES IV: A dog in someone's dream pissing fire onto Freddy's long-forgotten corpse. I wish I could say I was kidding, I really do, as I like to think I could make something like that up.

NOES V: Freddy puts a bit of himself into an unborn foetus inside the main character in order to be reborn through it. And he has to use the ghost of his mum too for something.

It's difficult to say which is the more imaginative. OK, the one for V is really quite clever, too. But when it comes down to it, obnoxious toilet jokes always beat some rubbish about rebirth.

WINNER: IV

THE HEROINE

NOES IV: Alice. Nervous, vague and kind of hot. All new to this whole Freddy-killing business.

NOES V: Alice. A veteran in the ongoing teenager-Freddy war, now with boyfriend and still kind of hot.

I think it's safe to say it's more fun to watch people encounter Freddy who've never met the man before. The looks on their faces as their bleeding limbs thump to the floor is always priceless.

WINNER: IV

THE HUNKY SPORTY BLOKE

NOES IV: Dan. Footballer. Admired by Alice from afar. Friend of Alice's brother.

NOES V: Still Dan. Now boyfriend of Alice. Gets her knocked up. Ends up dying unpleasantly after merging with his motorbike.

Don't you just hate the token hunky sporty bloke? I know I do. And any film in which he dies gets a big plus in my book. This is fortunate for me as they do tend to drop like flies in this genre.

WINNER: V

THE BLACK GIRL

NOES IV: Nerdy bespectacled chick with asthma. Receives a lovely kiss from the K-man, in which all the oxygen in her body is sucked out. Nice!

NOES V: Chick who's really good at swimming and almost gets eaten by a diving board. Almost but not quite.

Now this is a tricky one. Black chick A actually died in the film, in an entertaining fashion, but black chick B spends a lot of the latter stages of the film wearing only a swimsuit, and she is kind of hot. Not wishing to appear shallow I feel I should go for IV again.

WINNER: IV

THE CHEEKY JOKESTER BOY

NOES IV: Brother of Alice, spiky hair, likes kickboxing, escapes from his house via the window, boyfriend of doomed chick from previous film. Shredded by invisible Freddy in the traditional razors-in-tummy manner.

NOES V: Comic book illustrator, lives in sort of warehouse place, faints at the sight of blood, turns into superhero to combat Freddy, fails spectacularly. Crushed by falling shelves.

Neither boys score any points in terms of being likeable characters, and they do both die. Let's reduce it to the lowest common denominator and award the death that was more entertaining to watch.

WINNER: V by a nose. MERCILESSLY TORN FROM ITS FACE! MWU HA HA HA HA HA!

THE SASSY, TALL, HOT CHICK FRIEND WITH BROWN FRIZZY HAIR

NOES IV: Keep-fit enthusiast, close friend of nerdy black chick (distinct lack of realism there I feel). Really hates insects. That's about all the characterization we get. Eventually gets turned into a cockroach and squished in a truly delightful fashion.

NOES V: Hot chick bullied by mother into becoming a model or some shit. Falls asleep at dining table for no good reason, while in dreamyland is force-fed bits of herself until her cheeks swell like a hamster's and she chokes to death.

I was going to go for a tie on this one, until I remembered that the chick in V fell asleep while at a dining table during a dinner party, which is one of the most laughable excuses to begin the slaughtering I've ever seen in this series.

WINNER: IV

THE METHOD BY WHICH FREDDY IS ENDED

NOES IV: Oh god this is so gay. I can't bear to type this. OK, OK. Alice chick remembers some poem about evil seeing itself and dying, so she shows Freddy a mirror and he dies and all the souls he's claimed exit his body sharpish. OK, maybe there's more to it than that, and maybe I'm just not clever enough to understand all the subtle deep meaning to it all, but for the sake of completeness we'll just file this under B for bollocks and take an early lunch.

NOES V: The child through which Freddy intends to be reborn turns against him and he dies and all the souls he's claimed (three) exit his body sharpish. Then the nun woman who's Freddy's mum comes and takes him away while the heroes escape. File this under G for gay.

I feel only the pure of heart can gaze upon these endings without being driven mad, so we'll just wrap this up fast.

WINNER: V. Still gay, but when I see what it's up against there's no contest.

THE THING AT THE END
(For those not in the know: there's always a thing at the end of every Freddy film which indicates a sequel. I think towards the end they were doing it more out of habit than anything else)

NOES IV: Freddy's reflection appears in a pool, then vanishes. Well, doesn't exactly vanish, per se. The water ripples and the actor rather obviously moves off to the right.

NOES V: Small children in white dresses are seen near the partying heroes singing the ominous Freddy skipping rhyme.

NOES VI begins with absolutely no explanation as to what happened to Alice and co., so I presume right after the ending credits began in NOES V everyone that remained was immediately crushed by a gigantic raisin scone. That's my interpretation anyway, and since I find that amusing I'm going with that one.

WINNER: V

RATINGS

Fingers in ears rating: 5 for both. Freddy's not really scary anymore. More of a figure of fun, a loveable rogue. Someone you'd be happy to share a drink and a maniacal laugh with while he rips out your kidneys and makes them into Christmas decorations. But in a fun way.

Similarity to last film rating: A disappointing 5 for IV, but a rather obvious 9 for V.

Blood and guts rating: 7 for IV, 6 for V. They're both kind of nasty, but the scene where sassy tall chick's arms are snapped off in IV is worth an extra point.

Get nekkid and DIE! rating: 5 for IV, 6 for V. I'm being generous with IV 'cos no-one gets naked at all, unless you count some boy getting his pants down to use the loo, but Alice has a shower at the beginning of V, and because of the aforementioned raisin scone adventure I'm going to say that counts.

Hateful heroes rating: A perfect 10 for both films, and you don't get more generous than that.

Overall rating: Hang on, my maths is a bit dodgy ... we'll say 7 for IV and 8 for V. So I guess V is the better film. Yeah, that works. Go watch V.

Quality Rating: 51% and 58%

One-Word Summary: "Inane" and "Afterbirth"

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