It's been a while since I wrote an erotic thriller review, but that's exactly what I'm doing now, because with writing a third I get to legally say I wrote a 'series' of erotic thriller reviews, rather than just a 'couplet'. And I hope you appreciate this, because I can't get Channel 5 in Australia. I had to actually consciously go down the video store and get this film out. I had to get out a load of intellectual titles along with it, so the store clerk wouldn't think me a total freak. "Oh," I seemed to say. "Oh, it appears a bit of pornographic shite has fallen into the collection of quality cinema by mistake. No, I shall have it anyway, to punish myself for my absent-mindedness."

So, then. 'I Like To Play Games Too'. That title should tell you pretty much everything you need to know, but my favourite bit is the blurb on the back of the video box. It goes on about the usual lust-fuelled intrigue for a few paragraphs, then end by promising that events could spiral into "extortion, blackmail and POSSIBLY EVEN MURDER". Way to tantalise us, video box. I don't think anyone who watches this film is going to be thinking, "God, all these elongated shots of heaving breasts and gyrating crotches are so boring. When is someone going to get murdered?"

The main player in today's little drama is a blonde woman with huge tits who likes to shag all the time, not to be confused with the blonde woman with huge tits who likes to shag all the time in every other erotic thriller ever made ever. This one identifies herself with a gimmick: she CANNOT keep her TONGUE in her MOUTH for FIVE SECONDS. Whenever she's curious about something, or whenever she's feeling saucy, and of course almost constantly throughout ze sexual act, out it pops. You could play a drinking game based on taking a swig each time her tongue comes out, but after five minutes you'll instantly drop dead of liver cirrhosis. I can only assume she was a snake in a previous incarnation, and likes to stick it out every few seconds to check if there's a nice juicy mouse nearby.

Anyway, we open with this lady playing pinball (BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO PLAY GAMES) while some greasy bloke plays with her tits. After she's finished, the man has a go (BECAUSE HE LIKES TO PLAY GAMES TOO), while she sits on the pinball machine and masturbates. I wish I could give you more of an insight into this scene, but unfortunately I had the sound down low so no-one would know I was watching this drivel, and couldn't make out the dialogue. Anyway, the distraction causes the man to lose, whereupon he gets pissy and the snake lady throws him out on his ear. Oh, I think I get it now. They were competing presumably for sex, and the tit-rubbing and masturbation thing were attempts at a Baseketball-style psych-out. Anyway, just as the audience begin to think there'll be no action any time soon, she goes and has a wank in the shower.

Erotic thrillers on video must have different standards to erotic thrillers on TV, because, blimey, the camera holds on a close-up of her mimsy for almost the entire scene. And do you know something? This film wasn't anywhere near the 'adult' section in the video shop. It was in 'thrillers', about four yards away. In many ways, I feel sorry for it. I know the other thrillers bully it when the lights go down. "Hey, I Like To Play Games Too!" jeers the Blair Witch Project. "I made millions of cinemagoers vomit! What have you done? You made six losers wank!"

But I digress. It transpires that our leading lady is the head of some elite and much sought after advertising agency. An elite and much sought after advertising agency based in a nice suburban house, whose entire staff consists of the pinball slut and some other hot blonde chick with huge tits, neither of whom ever seem to do any work, preferring instead to play snooker all day with their tongues hanging out. Some skinny bloke turns up and offers them a contract with this guy who owns a load of 'gentlemen's clubs', and from the clumsy dialogue one divulges that the skinny bloke and Tongue Slut have got it together in the past. Make no mistake, this woman is a WHORE. She's not even a whore. Whores at least charge money. That you can respect. That's the entrepeneurial spirit. This woman is just an ornamental carrying case for penises.
You see, she likes to play games.

Anyway, it's suggested that the ornamental penis case goes to a little do the potential client is throwing, and instantly we cut to a montage of various nude ladies dancing around. Great idea, I thought. Let's just give up on that stupid plot and give us what we're really here for. Alas, no. These girls are employed at the party to stand on soap boxes and dance around a bit. It's actually kind of funny if you catch a glimpse of this out of context, and see the Tongue Slut trying to talk business with some greasy bloke in his living room while there's a naked stripper jiggling around behind them.

Tongue Slut is directed down a hallway to find her new client. She finds him bouncing up and down on top of his secretary. I forget his name, but it began with D, so I'm going to call him Desperate Dan. Desperate Dan is fucking BUILT. I'm serious. A brick shithouse would have to be visible from space before it could be compared to him. The slut watches from the door licking her overglossed lips as he has it away, then shuts the door and knocks on it gleefully.

Seconds later, Desperate Dan appears, unashamedly doing up his flies, and the two of them start to talk shop. Dan owns gentlemen's clubs where men turn up and pay money to fuck girls. But as he hastens to add, it's NOT PROSTITUTION. Okay, I don't know what parallel universe you think you live in, Dan mate, but here on Planet Sensible, if a girl ends up bouncing on someone's handlebar of love as a direct consequence of money changing hands, we call that prostitution. I guess you probably call it 'Breakfast'.

Dan wants Tongue Slut to come up with an ad campaign for his clubs, because despite his clubs being internationally renowned and popular, it's only just occurred to him to market them. So, he invites TS to dinner at his place, to which TS readily agrees, because, oh, you know why.

Sure enough, in Desperate Dan's huge mansion, after the mints and coffee and more retarded flirting dialogue, Dan calls in a pretty young thing in a bikini with whom TS immediately starts having lesbian sex. I understand this is common after-dinner etiquette in certain circles. Then Dan demands TS go back to her home, put on something sexy, and wait for him. So she does.

Back at her place, TS suddenly mentions that she doesn't go all the way on a first date. If you felt a sharp pain in your brow as you read that, it was probably because you were banging your head against a wall. You're letting off some seriously mixed signals here, lady. I think if you've already had lesbian sex in front of him, and are now wearing nothing but a corset and a G-string, then I think we're all far beyond being coy. Anyway, Desperate Dan is quite agreeable, and so (since he likes to play games) he puts a blindfold on her and makes her do a strip and dance for his amusement while he shouts out instructions. And if you'll excuse the use of a joke that a very small proportion of readers will understand, it's just like an extremely unorthodox episode of Knightmare.

It's about now that I notice something interesting: Tongue Slut makes the most adorable noises when she's in the throes of passion. She sounds like some kind of small furry animal expressing a combination of disappointment and indignation. You know when you were at primary school, and you were being shown a film because it was the last day of term or something? And you know if the teacher got pissed off for whatever reason they'd stop the film, and the entire class would make this noise that sounded kind of like "ohhhhwwwww"? It's that noise.

TS gets herself all worked up, and, deciding to abandon this hitherto unknown first date rule of hers, throws off her blindfold in preparation to get drilled silly. But lo! He likes to play games! She's been shaking her thang for the benefit of a tape recorder. Desperate Dan is missing, presumed masturbating vigorously.

The next morning, TS and her carbon-copy friend have a business meeting with Dan and two of his greasy friends to pitch some of their ideas. She tries to psych him out by sticking her foot in his crotch, but oh! He likes to play games! Counter psych-out! He turns on a TV screen behind his head and it starts showing a film of TS having it away with the lesbian. TS gets all stammery and fluffs the interview. "A hidden camera," she says to him afterwards. "Clever." Yes, it must have been very clever, because judging by the angle of the video, the camera must have been two feet away from her at the time and hovering in mid air.

So, as you do when you've just been royally bested in the psych-out stakes, they go home to shag. And because she likes to play games, TS puts on some stupid innocent schoolgirl act, and you know what that means! More opportunity to stick her fucking tongue out! They start having it away in a bath, and Desperate Dan starts sponging her mimsy, and by that I mean he holds a sponge about two inches away from her and makes vague circular motions.

Then, TS hatches a cunning plan! She orders Desperate Dan to go out and get a condom from his car, and as he does so, wearing only a towel, she plans to lock him out! Tee hee hee! She likes to play games! And this plan would have worked out perfectly had she actually waited for him to go outside before locking the door. Surprise! You're a dumbass. Desperate Dan chides her. Then they fuck.

This is about the point I stopped taking an interest in the plot of this film, because, dammit, I'm a busy man. So I just had the video on in the background while I completed the important task of surfing the internet. But I did take a look whenever something vaguely interesting seemed to be happening. So, forgive me if the rest of the review is a bit patchy.

TS, becoming aware that she's losing this unspecific game she seems to be playing with Dan, decides to seize the initiative. She dresses herself up as a Playboy bunny, lures Dan to a motel room, declares him her slave, blindfolds him and handcuffs him to the bed. Then she runs away. Ha ha! She likes to play games! And she would probably have won at least ten points for this round if she hadn't returned to the motel room after giving him enough time to get himself free. The tables turn somewhat, and to cut a long story short, he boffs her stupid. Not that she needed any help in that regard, of course.

This is where things get really hazy. Next thing I knew, TS returned to her house to find two women in black catsuits pointing guns at her. I didn't catch any of the ensuing dialogue, but it must have been pretty fucking convincing, because I looked away for one second and after I looked back, the three of them were having lesbian sex on the snooker table. Oh, if only more people had Tongue Slut's method of solving disputes. If someone had thought to introduce lesbian sex earlier on, the Iraq situation could have been averted altogether.

There's a big block of boring plot, then I start taking an interest again just as TS decides to craftily investigate Desperate Dan's hard drive, while Desperate Dan himself is busy hard driving TS's partner for reasons I didn't quite catch. She was reluctant at first, but soon saw his side of things when he stuffed his face in her crotch. That's another recurring theme in this film: cunnilingus. Either these actors didn't get enough food from the catering vans, or some smart guy realised that cunnilingus is the best way for the audience to see 90% of the woman's naked body without the film earning an X certificate.

Anyway, she finds that Dan's files are password protected, so she decides to try and guess. She tries 'SEX', 'MONEY' and 'POWER'. Boy, just imagine how lost these characters would be in an intelligent world, huh? Finally, she types 'PLAY GAMES', so presumably she'd lost interest in the files and wanted to have a quick game of Minesweeper, but it turns out that was the password.

From the files, she discovers that Desperate Dan is spearheading some evil scheme to secretly film important politicians in his clubs having it away with the girls, then presumably sell the tapes to You've Been Framed. TS cleverly puts a copy of the files on a disk she has handy, but oh no! He likes to play games! He was secretly filming her the whole time, and turns up at her house with a gun! Boy, he really does have a thing for using hidden cameras. And every time he does, TS is absolutely astonished at his cleverness. I guess they don't have hidden cameras on the planet Retardedwhore 12.

So, we've had the extortion and blackmail promised by the blurb, but where's that murder? Oh there it is. Desperate Dan's assistant turns out to be an undercover cop and shoots him dead. Then Tongue Slut vows never to make the same mistake again, before going home to shag the skinny bloke.

All's well that ends well. Ratings time!

Johnny Law Rating: 5/10
Just when I think my 'the police always feature in erotic thrillers in some way shape or form' rule doesn't apply, one of the characters turns out to be an undercover cop. It just goes to show: I'M NEVER WRONG.

Vanishing Clothes Rating: 3/10
This film likes to linger on the fucking, so generally they'll let you see the characters undressing bit by gradual bit as the music plays and they pant like dogs on a summer's day. I think a pair of trousers disappears inexplicably at one point, though.

Evil Lesbians Rating: 7/10
Two evil lesbians turn up to have sex with the main character for absolutely no apparent reason. That's exactly the kind of thing we like to see. I knocked off three points 'cos the Tongue Slut never gets it on with her identical assistant, and I really, really thought she would.

Eating the Breast Rating: 1/10
Surprisingly little, but then I suppose the actors were all too busy trying to dislodge pubic hairs from their teeth.

'It's Not Porn, Honest' Rating: 2/10
Some erotic thrillers stop at buttocks. Some stop at the pubic hair. This film stops half-way up the birth canal. There's a fine line between erotic thrillers and porn, and this film crosses that line without a backward glance.

Overall Erotic Thriller Rating: 4/10
In most erotic thrillers, the female leads always seems to be high-flying genius businesswomen. I just think that's funny, when you consider that these actresses were bought in a job lot from the Hollywood Acting School for Dipshit Whores for a bag of crack rocks.

Quality rating: 12%

One-word summary: "Lick"

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links


All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY