weirdest thing about the first Wishmaster film
was that it was brought to us by Wes Craven.
Quoi? Asked the cinema-going audience. This load
of old codswallop was devised by one of modern
horror's most respected directors? I suppose all
those good films were karmatically dodgy and he
had to make a few bollockfests to balance it out.
Whatever the reason, Wishmaster has enjoyed an
awful lot of straight to video sequels, and
frankly I would be very surprised if at any point
Craven came within five hundred miles of any of
The Djinn occasionally moonlights as an
for the uninitiated, the central tenet of
the Wishmaster series is a bit of a
migraine, so I'll quickly explain it.
There's this evil genie, or Djinn, who is
trapped inside a magical ruby. If someone
at any point releases him from the ruby,
that person then becomes the Chosen One,
who can make three wishes, but once they
make the third, the Djinn lets all his
guffawing mates into the Earth realm in
order to enslave and destroy and all the
usual crap. The Djinn can also grant the
wishes of anyone else it runs into, and
then claims the poor bugger's soul, and
typically twists the wish as best it can
to create the goriest outcome. They're
notorious for their gore content, the
Wishmaster films, possibly to make it as
difficult as possible to confuse with I
Dream Of Jeannie.
Wishmaster 3's wholly
uninformative subtitle is Devil Stone,
although the video box and the film
titles can't seem to decide if that
should be Devil Stone or Devilstone. The
latter one seems to me like it should be
the name of a small industrial town in
the West Midlands. Welcome to Devilstone.
Invest In Local Business.
Anyway, Wishmaster 3 opens with an
attractive young blonde woman, who differentiates
herself from the two attractive young blonde
women who have been the chief protagonists in the
last two films by also being a student of history
at some university. She fields a package
addressed to her tutor, whom I shall name The
Lecherous Professor Beardy, and finds the In ruby
djinnside. I mean, the Djinn ruby inside. Then,
rather than taking the sensible course of action
- that is, dance laughing all the way to the pawn
shop - she decides to give it a bit of a clean.
ARGH NO YOU STUPID COW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU -
oh. Bugger all happens.
that, she skips off and The Lecherous Professor
Beardy arrives to find some guy in full Djinn
makeup wandering around his office. Now, the LPB
is a learned man, and is aware of the Djinn
legend, and immediately poos his lecherous pants.
The Djinn, not the same guy who played him in the
earlier films and as such a hearty
disappointment, attempts to provoke LPB into
making a wish, threatening to release information
about an incident wherein the LPB
non-consentually stuck his coconut tree where it
didn't belong. That seemed an oddly tame threat
for a fellow who isn't adverse to breaking people
in half and knitting their gizzards into
attractive jumpers. Besides, if a huge green
betentacled bloke marched off to a disciplinary
committee to complain about faculty
misdemeanours, I'm sure his revelation would lose
its weight somewhat while the committee were busy
trying to hide under their chairs.
under, the LPB decides to make a wish. Instead of
making a sensible one like 'I wish to not die or
be injured at any point in the near future', he
takes the dickhead route and decides to try and
go out with a bang. I'll pause the review each
time a wish is made to make a little assessment.
1: "I wish for the two most beautiful women
in history to come in here and be completely in
love with me", or something like
Two hot topless girls come in and start eating
the LPB. I dunno, that seemed like kind of a
stretch. I mean, I love McChicken Sandwiches but
I wouldn't exactly say I was IN love with them. I
guess the Djinn likes to take liberties when he's
up against a smartarse.
The possessed LPB awkwardly laughs off
the blackboard's accusation.
the laugh-a-minute Djinn repeats a trick
he first showcased in the first
Wishmaster by peeling off LPB's face,
sticking it on his own, and thereby
magically taking on LPB's appearance. How
thoughtful of the villain to possess the
only bloke with the English accent. Now,
if I was the bloke playing the Djinn, I'd
have been a little bit pissed off by this
script. It's bad enough that no-one could
recognise him under the costume, but he
only turns up for a total of about five
minutes, while some other tosser takes
the role for most of the film. Something
is definitely wrong when the actor with
top billing playing the central character
has less screen time than half the cannon
Speaking of which, we flip to our
heroine and her mates, who all might as well
paint fucking targets on their shirts, living it
up in the halls of residence. Our heroine - I
forget her name, let's just call her Dolores -
experiences a vision of the LPB being munched in
the worst possible sense of the word, whereupon
she leaps to the slightly baffling conclusion
that a Djinn has entered the world and possessed
the LPB. Okay, so she was right, but it's still a
bit of a leap of logic when she's only had one
vision to go by. I dread to think what would
happen if she ever dropped a tab of acid.
"Hey, giant peas are coming out of the
walls! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME STOP THEM!"
her friends greet her assertions with healthy
skepticism. Less understandably, they decide to
believe her and go to a library to research
ancient mythology, because this is behaviour you
have to expect from students. At one point, two
of them fuck for no reason, because this is
behaviour you have to expect from characters in
shitty horror films.
over with, we return to the violence. The Djinn,
or 'the only reason we are watching this film' as
he is sometimes known, subtly makes the warty old
hag of a school receptionist make a wish in his
2: "I wish all of this work would go up in
flames so I can get out of here"
it's too bloody easy. There's no challenge to
twisting this one around. I know the point of
horror is to shock, but it would have shocked me
a lot more if the Djinn had NOT set fire to the
in shit horror, people get killed or go missing
and nobody seems to notice or comment on it at
all. In this case, though, the death of the
receptionist is noted and referred to, but no-one
gives a shit. In fact, all the students who refer
to it seem to think it was funny. This was
probably because the receptionist was neither
young nor attractive, and was therefore a second
empty-headed chums start dropping like flies as
the Djinn becomes increasingly impatient for
Dolores to use up her three wishes. Three of them
snuff it in quick succession: a slut, boyfriend
of another slut, and a third slut.
3: "I want you to break my heart" (made
through inept flirtation)
camera actually went inside the slut's fucking
ribcage so we could watch her heart judder and
explode. Geez, I'm not that stupid, Mr. Director
Man, if I'd seen her clutch herself and collapse
I'm sure I wouldn't have just assumed it was a
4: "Blow me" (expression of defiance)
Potential: Really High
said it once but I'll say it again - if you
understand the nature of the Djinn, watch your
fucking language. Of course this bloke was going
to be blown backwards and impaled on a huge
spike. It's not that hard to wish something like
"Go away leaving me completely unharmed and
never come back".
5: "I want to lose weight"
Potential: Really Fucking High
act surprised when I tell you this bitch proceeds
to puke up all of her internal organs. Admittedly
she wasn't completely clued into the twisty turny
nature of the Djinn's wish granting service, but
it was still a stupid thing to wish for when,
like most Hollywood actresses, she needed to lose
weight about as much as I need to lose oxygen.
uses up her first wish asking for the above
slut's pain to end, then acts really surprised
when the Djinn kills her. Then she uses up a
second wish asking to - wait for it -
"invoke the spirit of the Angel Michael to
help stop you".
all take five to ruminate on this stupid plot
development coming out of fucking nowhere.
back. Seriously, the Angel Michael? If
she could invoke anyone, why not Jesus?
Well, I guess he'd be too busy preaching
tolerance. Okay then. why not Robocop?
Fuck that - why not Gamera? He saves
children, y'know. No, the silly cow
summons the Angel Michael, who possesses
her dipshit boyfriend and attempts to
fight the Djinn with a big wibbly-wobbly
sword. He gets his angelic arse handed to
him and legs it with Dolores in a car,
which the Djinn chases after, leaping
onto the roof.
In this film, we learn that angels can
take the form of cobwebs.
The film kind of hurts itself by
not having Andrew Divoff - the Djinn in the
previous films - reprise the role, but I don't
think he would have been up to the whole car roof
thing. Divoff's Wishmaster was much more of a
passive villain, pursuing his charges with a
calm, measured pace. He wouldn't go for no messy
T-1000 shit. He'd just watch them drive off with
a roll of the eyes and get back to staring
creepily into the middle distance.
of which, next to go is Dolores' best friend,
hiding out in a laboratory, who makes the mistake
of crying into a telephone within earshot of the
Djinn, and making what could be construed as a
6: "I need somewhere to hide!"
again, the Djinn stretches credibility a bit. He
drags the chick along the floor and sticks her
head in a cage full of rats, commenting
"No-one will find you in there!", which
would be true if the rest of her body wasn't
sticking out, and if she wasn't screaming blue
murder. It's moments like this that make me
wonder exactly how tightly the Djinn is bound to
the whole wish-granting obligation, because he
took some pretty fucking big liberties with this
one. If he was allowed this much of a departure
from relevancy, why didn't he interpret Dolores'
"invoke the Angel Michael" request to
mean something like "I want to have my legs
chainsawed off"? Whatever, the heroes happen
upon this chick later to find her eyes and lips
nibbled off. I think that was the make-up
artist's intended effect, although it looked more
like someone had smeared catfood on her face.
chases Dolores and Michael around for what seems
like far too long, and they have some kind of
final showdown on a roof, Dolores stabs the Djinn
through with Michael's sword and they both fall
off the roof to land to their deaths below. Then
Michael uses his magical angel powers to bring
Dolores back to life. Apparently he couldn't
offer the same service to all the other people
who got killed, presumably it's a service
exclusive to chief protagonists. The Djinn is
banished for another indeterminate period until
the screenwriters are once again sobered up for
long enough to make another moneyspinning sequel.
that was excruciating. Ratings ahoy!
in Ears Rating: 4/10
It's more into gore than shocks. What's
stupid is that there are faux-scary moments when
perfectly harmless people sneak up on other
perfectly harmless people, but the Djinn himself
never sneaks up on anyone in the same manner.
Yahtzee's Screenwriting Tip of the Day: never
attempt to foreshadow events that don't fucking
Nekkid and DIE! Rating: 8/10
Gratuitous sex? You better believe it.
All participants of same killed? Ho yeah. Main
character virtuous and innocent? The sun shines
out of her pants.
and Guts Rating: 10/10
It's nice to see, in today's CGI-choked
film industry, some traditional prop-based Tom
Savini-style creative gore effects. In this case,
I presume most of the effects were created by
dipping Rice Krispie squares in ketchup. Hmm,
that sounds kind of tasty, actually.
Heroes Rating: 7/10
Wishmaster 3 loses out on a full score
because, for heroes to be as hateful as possible,
they must be juxtaposed by a loveable villain.
There isn't a single character you can get behind
in this entire film. In human form, the Djinn is
somewhat dull. In monster form, he's just a twat.
Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 8/10
Seriously, the Angel Fucking Michael?
Was the screenwriter trying to win a bet, or
something? As cop-outs go, that's almost a
literal Deus Ex Machina.
updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links