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8/9/04: Freon Genesis

I was doing an update and it sort of became quite big with lots of pictures, so I made it into a Feature. Check it out here. It's the details of an imaginary battle between Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion and an opponent very much his speed.

- Yahtzee

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6/9/04: More Funny Papers

I'm not going to do a whole new update every time I put up a new Chris and Trilby comic, because on reflection it's probably going to turn out being a daily comic, or as near as dammit. So I'm putting this permament thing at the top of the page, just above the latest update - see it? - detailing the number of the latest comic. I think that should work out pretty smoothly. Oh, and any feedback on this new venture would be appreciated.

Jiggedy jig.

- Yahtzee

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5/9/04: Funny Papers

I know I threw Yahtzee Takes In The World in the bin yonks ago and Angular Mike seems to have collapsed and died a lonely death in a ditch at the side of the road, but I do miss doing comics. I miss doing the gag-a-day thing that helped polish my humour, and I miss doing an ongoing storyline that I am free to lead in whatever direction I damn well want.

So, I've given it a great deal of thought, and I'm starting a new comic. Not just any comic, mind - a SPRITE COMIC! WOO HOO!

So, without further ado, allow me to present:

Yes, you may recognise the two title protagonists if you've ever gone zombie killing in a Duke 3D mod, or spent the best part of a week fending off a large man with a knife. Chris Quinn is the comedy lunatic and Trilby is the foil off which he plays. That's the joke I'll be beating to death in this escapade, and here's the first episode:

There are six (count 'em) six more c o m i c s on the new page I made for this endeavour. I'm not sure how often it'll be updated. Probably safe to assume it'll be quite often, 'cos I can rattle these things off in a second, man.

- Yahtzee

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1/9/04: This Month's Inevitable Ranty Article

I have been an internet user for some years now, and having made what I like to think is a constructive contribution to the great library of stomach-churning pornography and illegal downloads we call a world wide web, I feel I'm entitled to get a little something off my chest. It's something I've been keeping under wraps for a while because, if I am any judge of forums and chat programs, I am the only fucking person on the entire internet who feels this way.

Readers, it's like this: I FUCKING HATE SMILEYS.

I'm not talking about the :( and :) yin yang on the ends of sentences, I can live with those, and even at a pinch those anime ones ^_^ beloved of twelve year old girls, the same sort of twelve year old girl who frequently finds all their orifices stuffed with squirting dick-pythons in the pages of Japanese comics. It's those tiresome little graphical smiles that come free with instant messengers and forums that make my testicles boil in their bag. They're the ones that make me wish it was possible to reach into my monitor, grab other users by the eye sockets and pull hard until I hear something break.

The ones I particularly hate are the big cheesy grin and the rolling eyes. Being brought up in England has left me with the certainty that to be meek and cringing is the only way to be, accepting thankfully whatever studded dildoes Fate has decided to ram up my anus this week, and that smugness and arrogance are the territory of big stupid Americans in cowboy hats. I suppose that's why I hate these smileys so much. They're smug. I don't know what they have to feel smug about because they have neither penis nor hand to wank with, and I can't imagine how any dickless wonder could possibly feel remotely good about their situation, least of all good enough to be smug. Do you see those huge, freakishly long teeth? I want to reduce those teeth to bloody dust with a house brick.

They bring to mind those teenage girls in blisteringly irritating American teen 'comedies' who prance around like they're the queens of fucking Sheba just because their doting parents bought them two and a half square feet of material from Next for seventeen hundred dollars American. The kind of girl I want to kidnap and force-feed McDonalds extra value meals to twice a day for a month. If you took every dick that has passed the lips of some hogtied anime girl in every appropriate image and piece of fiction on the internet and stitched them all together into some colossal, planet-destroying superdick, that's what I want to see these girls raped with. And the same goes for those square-jawed asshats who populate TV programmes like CSI and Law and Order, a topic I have touched upon before.

Yes, friends, labouring an obvious point it may be, but there are a thousand aspects of the internet that really, really get on my tits. I hate people who threaten their fellow forum posters with violence and murder, when in reality their limbs make twiglets look like suspension bridges and, like deep sea archer fish, have been known to explode when brought into sunlight. I hate the fact that ninety-nine percent of this miraculous global network is wasted on five billion practically identical photos of some tearful woman being forced to inhale what looks like a large uncooked saveloy, and writings with the literary merit of the jokes you find on lolly sticks.

Most of all I hate, I hate more than anything else, more than Monty Python slash fan fiction and that one picture of the girl squirting diarrhoea like Old Faithful, is when people e-mail me and say something along the lines of "HEY YAHTZEE! YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF! I HATE STUFF TOO! WE'VE GOT SO MUCH IN COMMON!"

I'm only going to say this once, so I'll make sure I say it memorably:

I don't care if we have anything in common. What, did you think I'd drop to my knees and thank Christ that a kindred spirit has come my way at last? Did you think we'd become best friends and you'd be invited to my birthday party? No, no, no, no, NO! I don't WANT your friendship. I don't WANT to know how we could have been separated at birth. All I want is for you to keep your fucking distance, admire me from afar and revere me like a God. Tell me I'm great and you love me, that's fine. If you're a hot girl and you want to send pictures of your tits, by all means. But for GOD'S SAKE don't assume I want your company beyond the length of time it takes to tell me that I rock, and unless your Bruce Campbell or a literary agent, don't try to be my MATE. Very little you can say in your e-mail will make me sit up in respectful awe and write anything beyond two and a half hasty lines in reply. If you're not a committed twenty-one-year-old British immigrant in Brisbane who writes extremely hateful attacks upon completely blameless things, don't assume you're anything like me at all.

I have an ongoing fantasy that I'm the only truly unique person on Earth, and you're really fucking ruining it for me.

- Yahtzee

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25/8/04: Luc-Toss Arts

It was a close contest, but in the end there was really only one candidate for the top spot. LucasArts are now officially the biggest tossers in the universe. Having abandoned all genuinely creative projects, regardless of progress, in favour of continuing to churn out Star Wars game after Star Wars game, the judges were unanimous that LucasArts should take the title at the annual Tossathon.

"Frankly, we're over the moon," said a LucasArts spokesman. "It took a lot of effort to get this accolade. I and many of our staff were gutted when Stephen King took last year's award for the fifth time running, but ever since we instigated a rule that every member of staff toss at least three or four times an hour, we've gone from strength to strength." The spokesman then emphasised his point by stepping aside from the podium to reveal that he was tossing even as he spoke, and all the press agreed that he truly was a tosser worthy of the name.

Congratulations to LucasArts from all at FullyRamblomatic.com for their fantastic achievement. I found myself becoming curious to see what the future holds for the colossal tossers at LucasArts, so I got in touch with my do-nothing wastrel of a future self. He sent the following news items as soon as he could tear himself away from the DVD box set of Donnie Darko: The Animated Series.

January 12th, 2005

A new intern at the Lucasarts headquarters, Donald Mongbotty, posted the following entry in his LiveJournal:

Just got back from my first day at work. These guys really deserve that tosser award. I'm serious, it's fucking NON STOP. There's always at least one person squirting all over the carpet. The whole office is beginning to smell like a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. I've seen people talk on the phone while tossing, and in the middle of the conversation, they just scream 'I'M TOSSING OFF RIGHT NOW! HA HA HA!'. I came back from lunch to find some fat guy tossing over the photo of my mum I put on my desk. I complained to the manager, which was very difficult as he was tossing at the time, and he accused me of not being a team player. This sucks. Current mood: Disgusted.

March 21st, 2005

Donald Mongbotty continues his reportage:

Okay, so the CEOs have noticed that all the spunk is clogging up the work computers, so they've designated the break room as the Toss Room. Seems like everyone has to run there every five minutes, and it's really effecting progress on Luke Skywalker Jedi Tennis. It's really getting out of hand. I went to the break room to watch TV, and the floor was seriously ankle deep in stinking spunk and mung. There were people sitting there, watching Days Of Our Lives, happily pumping more and more love custard into the lake of foetid slime. I've been working with one of the new interns, and he only has my word for it that the place has a carpet. Current mood: Smelling Of Toss.

August 5th, 2006

The following internal memo was leaked by an unknown source:

From: CEO
To: All Staff

A lot of people are expressing concern by the fact that the giant blob of spunk that started life in the Toss Room has apparently taken over the entire east wing of the building. First let me say that the problem is not as terrible as rumour would indicate. We're quite sure that we'll find a way to stop its terrible onslaught pretty soon now. Our previous attempt to kill it by lining up in front of it and tossing in its face seemed to backfire somewhat, but our researchers will no doubt come up with a new idea any day now, as soon as they're finished tossing. I would also like to confirm that the spunk blob is definitely not becoming self-aware.

November 21st, 2006

From SpunkNews.com:

LucasArts employees, still the biggest tossers in the universe, are to be the defendants in a massive lawsuit, as it becomes clear that they have implemented a lengthy propaganda campaign in an attempt to conceal from the public that they have somehow created and unleashed an all-powerful spunk monster. Even before the beast got free, it can be proven that LucasArts knew full well that it was alive and had an insatiable thirst for destruction, and when it started growing arbitrary arms and legs, LucasArts reportedly encouraged its developments, and named it 'George Lucas Junior'. Now that the city of San Antonio has been almost completely destroyed and the ruins coated in an inch-thick layer of disgusting ejacula, criminal proceedings against the developers seem inevitable. The LucasArts CEO did his case no favours by tossing all throughout the initial bail hearing.

George Lucas Junior was last seen wading into the Pacific ocean, and is believed to be heading for Tokyo, where it will challenge the legendary Godzilla.

November 29th, 2006

From CNN.com:

It's day seven of George Lucas Junior's occupation of the city of Tokyo, having KOed Godzilla in just three rounds, and by all accounts it seems to have chosen the city centre as its new home. Japanese citizens have discovered that they can mitigate the damage caused by George by bringing him offerings of cheese and tentacle hentai magazines. One Japanese citizen described the monster's stench as "Horrendous, and yet strangely arousing."

George grows one millimetre in height every time a LucasArts employee tosses off. Experts predict he will be large enough to generate his own gravitational pull within another two weeks.

May 24th, 2012

From AstroSpunkNews.com:

Panic struck the world today as it was discovered that the LucasArts Spunk Planet, a spherical asteroid of spunk currently following an orbit between those of Neptune and Uranus, today grew so large in mass that it collapsed in on itself, forming a magic Spunk Black Hole. All spunk within the solar system appears to instantly gravitate to it, which is making it impossible to impregnate women. The black hole cannot be destroyed. If it has not moved on by the time the latest generation grows too old to have offspring, then mankind will cease to exist.


- Yahtzee

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18/8/04: A Most Well-Endowed Fox

God damn X-Entertainment. God damn it for being so god damn interesting that I'd rather sit reading their god damn articles when I should be doing some god damn work. God damn them. God damn the doctor for putting me on these god damn pills that make me god damn drowsy and fucked up all god damn morning. God damn everything. Then god damn god damning.

Anyway, time for a god damn:

Unappreciated Computer Game Character Of The Week!

I feel sorry for characters who are named after their deformities. I mean, if I was a cripple, I'm sure I'd be upset if my parents named me Big Chief Wonky Leg. It's bad enough that I'd get trouble from the other kids at school without being fucking named after the problem as well. I mean, if I named my children based on first impressions, they'd all be named Horrible Screaming Bloodstained Thing. Our subject for this week is an individual who didn't let his genetic abnormality and insensitive name get in the way of his will to succeed. It's...

Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog!

While Tails is by no means unappreciated by the kind of teenage girls and lonely bastards worldwide who post on certain forums wondering what Tails' favourite ice cream flavour is, he is most certainly unappreciated by the only person whom he holds in high regard: his mentor, Sonic the Hedgehog. Everything he did, he did in an attempt to impress the blue spikey arsehole. We've all known or been this kind of person at some point in our school careers: The awkward kid who hangs around the populars in his neverending quest for acceptance, which will lead him to willingly eat Maltesers that have been craftily pissed on, or accept with good grace the ritual wherein he is pushed into the girl's toilets.

A ha ha ha! Free of you at last!
Tails was just like that. He so longed for Sonic's acceptance and friendship, and could simply not be dissuaded. Sonic could bugger the adorable little fox with a dog turd on the end of a stick, and he'd still come scampering along for more. Sonic could express the desire to set fire to Tails' mum, and Tails would run off to fetch his zippo lighter. No matter how fast or how far Sonic ran, Tails would always find a way to catch up. He was like Droopy, turning up in his antagonist's hotel bedroom despite having been buried in concrete four thousand miles away.

The fact that Tails longed so much to be like Sonic - even going so far as to buy his gloves and shoes from the same shop - is made all the more baffling when you consider that Tails was infinitely, infinitely more skilled than his hero. Does anyone else remember the Sonic cartoon series? I watched partly out of boredom and partly to masturbate over the furry chick who felt that a pair of trousers would be taking things too far. Anyway, they tried to make out that Tails was envious of Sonic's fantastic ability to run fast. I was like, what the fuck? In the games, they both ran at PRECISELY THE SAME SPEED.
... fuck.

And if you took away his speed, Sonic had nothing going for him but a frown and a waggly finger. Tails could FLY. Not only could he fly on his own by spinning his inexplicable extra tail around, but he had the upper arm strength to be able to carry Sonic while he was doing it. Oh yes, and he could fly a BIPLANE. He actually had a PILOT'S LICENCE. Where the fuck did he find a flying school that would allow highly underaged woodland creatures to enrol? More to the point, why bother? He can already fly! It's like giving Professor X a mobile phone! My guess is Sonic paid for the lessons to keep him out of his hair for five minutes.

Of course, when that fucker Sonic wanted to be flown somewhere, suddenly Tails was his bestest friend in the whole wide world. But when they got back on the ground, he just didn't want to know. Perhaps he knew that Tails was the much more talented one. His gigantic hedgehog ego couldn't face that possibility, so he cruelly warped the poor kid's mind into thinking he was nothing but a shallow imitation, and the flying thing was just a stupid childish way of showing off. You know something? Sonic really was a prick. Take a look at this sequence from the end of Sonic 2:

1. Sonic, having just short-sightedly blown up Robotnik's orbital station, is falling to his horrific splattery death. He's coloured yellow-white in this picture because he's a tosser.
2. Tails knows what he has to do. His expression just screams, "He's never appreciated a damn thing I've done for him, but maybe if I save him now, he'll finally start inviting me to his birthday parties!"
3. And off he goes in his own little plane, which he built himself from mail order Airfix kits in the hope that Sonic would like to go for a ride in it some day.
4. And just look at that. Sonic doesn't even have the decency to let himself get rescued. Not a word of thanks, not the time of day, not even a glance in his direction, leaving Tails to wonder, heartbroken, where all these birds have come from all of a sudden.

So, Tails, you magnificent fox you, start hanging out with some better friends, who'll appreciate you for who you are and not because you give them free helicopter rides. You are Unappreciated Computer Game Character Of The Week!

- Yahtzee

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Hey, kids! Sick of me not updating often enough for your refined tastes? Read news posts by me, Chefelf and Heccubus pretty much every day on the Lockergnome.com Game Invasion Channel!


All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2004 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY