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Latest Chris & Trilby comic: #0077 - Reconnaissance

20/3/05: Shut Up And Listen To Me

The list of the Only Good Comics On The Internet continues to gradually expand, so do check it out for additions every now and again. I'd like to particularly point out Alien Loves Predator, which I found the other day and rather enjoyed.

In other news, I have a new feature for you to read! Hooray! Something a little bit different today. A little dramatic piece I like to call 'Letters from the Mushroom Kingdom'. Gaming humour ahoy!

- Yahtzee

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15/3/05: Home On Deranged

Hey, look what I did today.

Update 17/3/05: New guest comic by me at Dinosaur Comics! Sassy!

- Yahtzee

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11/3/05: Tomb Raider: The Last Degradation

[ADDENDUM: I forgot to mention. The website for the Australian game design team I've joined, Gridwerx, is having a little vote on some of the concept art we've come up with to try and finalise some elements and art styles for the game. So, do me a favour and pop over there to vote on what samples of art you like best. Ta.]

Recently I started playing the fourth Tomb Raider game again, and by that I mean Sarah started playing the fourth Tomb Raider game and I watched from a few feet away while pretending to read Ronnie Biggs' autobiography. If you're not familiar with the Tomb Raider games, they're about the irresponsible archaeological adventures of Lara Croft, who can somehow exhibit feats of incredible strength and agility despite having a deeply top-heavy body which in any sane world would snap neatly in two every time she bent slightly at the waist. Her arms are so thin that, when she's trying to haul herself up a ledge, I would expect her femurs to go shooting out of her elbows, spraying blood behind them like hellish bottle rockets. Her lips look like a pair of lazy slugs are attempting to navigate her face. Also, she dresses like a Vietnamese hooker but without the charisma.

The thing that differentiates the fourth Tomb Raider game from the first three - indeed, pretty much the only thing - is that there's a flashback at the beginning to when Lara was a teenage girl in pigtails first learning how to leap three times her own height. And it is during this sequence that we learn the origin of her backpack. She picked it up off a corpse in a tomb, which must have been the corpse of Doctor Who or something, as I can see no other explanation for how a backpack the size of a Kelloggs Variety Pack cereal box can somehow contain fifty large medpacks and a crossbow.

Maybe this is a silly thing to get cross about but I really do hate this sort of thing - showing the origin stories of a really mundane element of a popular character. I don't really care how Lara Croft got her backpack. I kind of assumed she bought it from an outdoor supply shop. I mean, one would think a backpack would be on the list of things to acquire BEFORE you raid a tomb. Only a complete spacker would say to themselves, "Oh, I'm going to explore the mysterious Sumerian temple of ancient evil next week. I guess I'll need to buy some suitable equipment... oh, but that's too much hassle. I'll just pick it all up when I get there!"

I have enough common sense to understand that adventurers are only human and sometimes they do things that are not thrilling. I'm sure Lara Croft has to go food shopping like everyone else and I wouldn't expect to see her crouched down in the cold meat section of her local Safeway waiting for the opportunity to dive under a whirling blade and grab a tin of spam for her tea.

It's like that miniseries they showed on Channel 4 a while back about Adolf Hitler, starring Robert Carlyle. I appreciate that sometimes real life is boring and even drama based on fact has to be sexed up a wee bit to maintain our interest, but they actually had a little montage overlaid with dramatic music to show how Hitler got his fucking MOUSTACHE. I'm not even kidding. That just completely killed the show's integrity for me. They were this close to making him wring his hands and cackle with glee as he took out the razor. As terrible as it may be to imagine this, TV producers, perhaps Hitler grew his moustache like that because he couldn't be arsed to trim it properly and not as a focus point for his evil. I mean, once you start telling the origins of really stupid inconsequential aspects of a character, where do you stop?


While plundering the ancient ruins of Crete one day, Lara came across a mysterious sealed casket at the bottom of a network of monster-infested hallways. Inside she discovered the mythical Granite Sports Bra of Megora, which legend has it was worn by one of Medusa's victims just prior to her petrification. Lara took that solid stone sports bra and decided to wear it permanently as a symbol of her dedication, which explains why her tits extend three feet outside her body but don't wobble around and smack her in the face when she's jumping about like a loon.


Being the kind of gal who learns precisely fuck all from her mistakes, Lara Croft once kicked open the casket of a baby Egyptian mummy and pissed on the remains, and consequently fell victim to the mythical Curse of Perma-Wedgie. Now, whenever she puts on a pair of trousers, no matter how long they are, the material gradually rides up her legs until it's all bunched up around her privates in a really uncomfortable way. The curse was concocted by a group of Egyptian priests during an all-night brainstorming session when they were all really hungry and tired.


She bought them from a shop.

- Yahtzee

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6/3/05: Another Tiresome Search String Gigglefest

You know what we haven't done in a while? Looked at stupid search strings people used to get to this site! Actually my webstats have been pretty fucked up of late, with my daily intake alternating apparently randomly between around four hundred and around twenty thousand from one day to the next. Also, my most popular page by a staggering 20000 views appears to be my site stats page for January. I'm guessing this is all something to do with menstrual cycles.


inces incest ncest

I like to put some serious thought into how these strings occur. Imagine young Billy-Bob, his family finally having found a wholesale company brave enough to deliver a new com-poo-tah to their ramshackle home deep in the bayou, so excited at the prospect of learning more about his favourite pastime that he can barely type and has to have three goes before he gets it right. I had a similar problem when I found out you could download Hellblazer comics for free. But pity poor Billy-bob, because the Backspace key had been levered off the keyboard by his dad for use in anal violation, so he was unable to delete his two wrong attempts. Then his mum sucks him off.

gay cute

I... hm. I, er... hm. Nope, sorry. I cannot think for the life of me what this person was searching for, but whatever it was, I am pretty certain they didn't find it here. Someone please let me know if there's someone in the world called Gay Cute with an internet presence. Perhaps an anime character.

On a related note, I seem to remember there being an irregular presenter of BBC daytime gardening programmes named Gay Search. Gay Search! I dread to think what would happen if that poor bastard ever entered their own name into Google. Gay fucking Search. God knows how they got past school age. The most tragic thing is that it's not even the silliest name in BBC daytime television, not while such giants as Shonka Goo-ha still live. And I'd be very surprised if anyone knows who I'm talking about and can correct my spelling.

5 days a skeptic

NO. It's 5 Days A STRANGER and 7 Days A SKEPTIC. CHRIST.

I suppose this was inevitable. Perhaps I should have given the two games drastically different titles, like calling one '5 Days A Stranger' and the other 'Bigtime Welding Spaceship Excitement'. This has caused problems when donators send in their five bucks and ask that I furnish them with the 7 Days A Stranger Special Edition. I'm half-tempted to create a special game just for these people. Yeah, then I'd fill it with blisteringly obscene pornography combined with unrelenting genital mutilation. All taking place to the Benny Hill theme tune.

england girl squirting

Now here's a fellow who knows what he wants. What gets me, though, is the specification of 'England'. Foreign squirters not good enough for you, are they, you fascist cunt? Why can't you embrace squirters of all colours and creeds in this wonderfully diverse world in which we live? Why not give girls from Wales or Northern Ireland a chance to squirt for your horrible amusement? You never know, you might find that Welsh or Irish squirting have an appealing regional charm. And when you say 'squirting', out of which end do you want them to squirt? These things matter.

Anyway, I had a look around and I think I've found what you're looking for. She's not obviously English, but it did come from the BBC website. Check it out!


Sugar, sugar, sugar. Sweetener of tea. Integral ingredient of a good bread and butter pudding. While I'm no stranger to sugar and a confessed enthusiast for its delicious taste, I don't recall being any particular authority on the subject, which makes the fact that 'sugar' has been the number one search string for two months all the more confusing, especially since Hentai and Orgasm, the previous leaders, have slipped down to the high teens. See, this is what I'm talking about when I say there may be something wrong with my stats page.

I'm not even sure why anyone would want to search for it on the internet in the first place, least of all twenty times. I'm sure, if you really needed to learn all about everyone's favourite granulated vegetable product, you'd only need to do so once. Only the most die-hard recluse would attempt to order sugar online when you can pick up fifty bags from your local corner shop without having to pay for shipping. So the mystery of searching for sugar lives on. Although I know I will never get to the bottom of it, I'm pretty confident that I can say without fear of reprisal that, whatever these people are looking for, they WON'T FIND IT HERE.

So piss off.

- Yahtzee

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1/3/05: Seven Days Antiseptic

So, those people who received the 5 Days A Stranger Special Edition. Did you like it? Was it worth the money? I hope it was! It was a pretty decent success for me income-wise, but I've run out of cocaine money so now I'm going to find out if lightning can strike twice by announcing the inevitable sequel.

Yes, the 7 Days A Skeptic Special Edition is now available! Comes with all of the following delicious bells and whistles:

- The prerequisite Author Commentary!

- The original Easter Egg scene!

- Silly Outtakes!

- The MIDI music from the game!

- A system that warns the player when a monster is going to appear during the chase sequences, for everyone who complained about that!

Same deal as with 5 Days - donate 5 bucks American and I'll email you the URL. You'll need to specify with your donation now whether you want the 5 Days or 7 Days SE, but I'm sure that won't be too much of an intellectual trial. Alternatively, donate 10 bucks and get the pair of them! They'll look very nice on your mantel!

Click here to donate!

- Yahtzee

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28/2/05: Fresh Charges

If Verlie Thomas is reading this, thanks for the donation, but every email I send to the address Paypal gave me for you gets sent back, luv. So if you'd like to give me an email address that works I can give you your special edition.

There seems to be what I can only describe as a fresh food arms race going on between the major fast food branches. Suddenly it's not good enough to be a rich international pedlar of cardiac death - you have to be a FRESH rich international pedlar of cardiac death, too.

It was McDonalds that started it all off, of course, with their yetchy yoghurts and their sweaty salads that taste like the ingredients were stored in Tony Slattery's armpit. They even started selling apples, just to be completely patronizing. I suppose the main reason for doing this was the enduring image of McDonalds kitchens being full of pus-filled teenagers jerking each other off into the milkshake machine, and with so many layers of caked-on grease running down the walls that the whole place looks like it fell into a deep fat frier. So, fair enough, they want to start introducing a healthier option, because God knows I see no reason why anyone should ever have to eat anywhere other than McDonalds.

On a somewhat less understandable note, McDonalds have also started their own pretentious-style coffee shop, called McCafe. I haven't got a clue why. You'd think they'd be satisfied with having clawed their way to becoming the most popular restaurant in the world over a mountain of blocked aortas. Muscling in on other people's territory when you don't even need the money seems just plain mean. It's like when Microsoft decided to start making games consoles; they didn't actually NEED to from a financial standpoint, they were just bored and didn't have enough foes to crush. I've never been in one of these McCafe entities, but I'm sure they've found some way to make coffee taste greasy.

But getting back to the fresh food thing.

This is so sad.
Hungry Jacks (the Australian name for Burger King) are also trying to get in on the action, and did the usual thing nearest competitors do in these situations - get the idea, then completely overdo it. So, where until recently the Hungry Jacks adverts had been full of non-threatening working-class people expressing in song their insatiable lust for processed animal fat, now we get attractive people in Hungry Jacks uniforms standing against a featureless white backdrop, holding up trays of healthy baguette sandwiches, making statements that somehow patronize even more than the apple thing ("You'll love them! Yum!"). Check out their website and you'll find an awful lot of greens and whites in the colour scheme, with nary a mention of fries and patties that make your blood pressure explode just by sitting in the same room. They've even changed their slogan to "We're all about fresh at Hungry Jacks!" when before it was something like "We've killed more fatties than Buffalo Bill".

I think the major thing playing against ol' HJ in their attempt at reinvention is the name. Hungry Jacks. I challenge you to find a restaurant with a name that brings to mind more easily the image of a fat bloke scarfing down a whole cow.

Red Rooster, local Australian franchise, is also joining the party, having introduced salads to the menu. Isn't that cute? Everyone give them a round of applause for trying.

Subway, of course, have been into the fresh food game for yonks, which may explain the slightly bitter tone of their latest advertisements, in which a non-threatening young man in a Subway uniform coyly badmouths "our competitors" while a fat bloke in unsubtle red and yellow clothing fools about in the background. Frankly, it's very childish. It's akin to insisting that no-one else can sell fresh food because they thought of it first.

I can't say I like Subway much. I'm not the kind of buttertroll who can eat three birthday cakes in a sitting, indeed, I can barely stomach a celery stick if I've just had a can of coke. But I can eat a six inch Subway sub for the same price as a McDonalds large cheeseburger meal and still come away hungry. It's like eating a big lump of air. And I don't see why they still get that Jared bloke to plug their scoffathons. I know he's supposed to have lost a lot of weight eating nothing but Subway, but blimey, he's still not exactly trim. He could still feed a family of cannibals for a week and they'd be eating cold Jared sandwiches for months to come. I dread to think what he was like beforehand. The blueberry scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory comes to mind.
Subway's Jared, having risen from the Pacific and now preparing to destroy Tokyo.

All of which makes me very much climb onto my well-worn soapbox and plead with frustrated tears in my eyes that franchises please stick to what they're good at and just accept the fact that consumers actually give money to other businesses from time to time, as heart-rending as that may seem to you horrible little twats. There's nothing shameful about making fast food. Hell, it's a service we all require every now and again, because when we're out on the town and starving hungry, very few of us make a beeline for the nearest grocer's and buy a cucumber to snack on.

The burger chains are clearly responding to the media and their irresponsible scaremongering, but if they'd waited five minutes the whole 'people get fat and die from fast food' scandal would have blown over and been replaced by the 'people get thin and die from emulating celebrities' scandal. The media needs to make its bloody mind up. They need to make a decision on whether we're too fat or too thin and stick to it, maybe that would demonstrate that the fuckwits have an ounce of integrity.

Oh yeah, and donate for the 5 Days Special Edition! You'll love it! Yum!

- Yahtzee

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