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Latest Chris & Trilby comic: #89: Too Much Information

29/10/05: Fair Warning

The above is a screenshot I took from a section of the discussion boards. Will Vlad_2005 ever get sexed? Will mouseeeee ever get her point across with her flimsy grasp of English? The rest of this story is lost to the ages. Deep down I hope that their romance bore happy fruit. Godspeed, Vlad_2005 and mouseeeee. Celebrate your forbidden love.

I feel it only fair to warn you that I'm taking part in National Novel Writing Month this year. If you're new to the concept, NaNoWriMo is where budding writers (like oh say for instance me) attempt to write 50,000 words or more, an entire short novel, within the space of November. This year there are more internet scribblers involved than ever, and it is a personal credo of mine that anything a slack-jawed Livejournal poet can do, I can do in a better and far more stylish and handsome manner. After all, I've written novels before, and I've been writing regularly for a website for who knows how long, and I'm on the verge of making my print debut (seriously) and will soon be able to honestly put 'Writer' in the 'occupation' box when I'm signing up for porn.

The idea I have in mind is called Fog Juice, and I'll basically start off with a standard 'stranger arrives in odd place' plot device before recounting whatever bollocks comes to mind. NaNoWriMo is all about quantity over quality, after all. I'll be re-using some characters and ideas from Articulate Jim, and probably post the chapters up on the site as I work. So while there will be content for the next month, it's pretty much all going to be this novel thing. I'll try to do a Chris & Trilby now and then, but no promises, and I know how much that will hurt the ten or eleven of you who read it.

Writing starts November 1st. See you then!

- Yahtzee

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22/10/05: Here We Go Again

Avert thine eyes northwards and you'll see that Chris & Trilby is updating again. Since I was apparently bored of that monochrome story I've abruptly switched over to a new one, perhaps to revisit the old one at a later date.

If you've just joined us, all you need to know about the story so far is that we left Chris Quinn and his long-suffering hetero lifemate Trilby about to confront a dangerous clan of vampire backpackers. Let's see what happens next!

- Yahtzee

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17/10/05: Wacko Jacko

Recently I've been concerned that I may be losing my cynical venom sacs, mainly because of the Gridwerx thing and the fact that I've recently been held down and forced against my will to write marketing material, and there are only so many times I can write 'pulse pounding action' before I have to go and wash myself with soap. So, in an effort to get the bile flowing again, I've chosen a subject that makes me good and steamed to discuss today.

Gentlemen, I give you: Jack Thompson.

Jack Thompson is a part-time lawyer and full-time lunatic who has some kind of grudge against the video game industry. I don't know whether his entire family were murdered by arcade cabinets or something but he seems more dedicated to the destruction of videogames than gingerbread enthusiasts are to the creation of gingerbread. Besides the obvious targets of Grand Theft Auto and Manhunt, Thompson has even attempted to accuse the Sims 2 of being a paedophilia simulation, which is about the time everyone began to realise that there was something more to this rage than your average knee-jerk conservatism.

Anyone with even a passing interest in videogame news loathes this man with a passion, which is why it was so damn satisfying when one of his favourite poster groups, the National Institute on Media and the Family, sent him an open letter asking him to stop pretending to be their friend. The NIMF routinely criticise violence in games, but it seems even they have to draw the line on colossal twatblankets. Of course, Thompson has not ceased to associate himself with the organisation in his blisteringly ignorant ravings, so we can all look forward to the stupid cunt being sued by his biggest heroes.

This is exactly the sort of thing that deserves to be exaggerated in one of my little dialogues. The part of Jack Thompson will be played in this drama by the Angry Angry Apple of Lick My Jesus fame.

Hello, you have reached Jack Thompson The Lawyer. What can I hate for you today?
Hi, Jack, this is the National Institute on Media and the Family.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god! You guys rock! I like how you hate video games just as much as me!
Shut your big flapping twatmouth for one second you big flapping twat. We want you to stop pretending you're friends with us.
You heard. Stop associating yourself with us. It scares us and our baby.
But why?
Because you are more right-wing and more conservative than any right-wing conservative has any right to be. Because in any sane world you would be peering out at us from within a small room with soft walls and you're sapping our integrity just by standing in the near vicinity. You're like an integrity black hole.
But we're on the same side!
Oh for crying out loud. This is not a game of Stratego, you craven twatracket, it's a complex issue. What the hell were you playing at offering ten grand to anyone who designs a violent video game about murdering video game designers? On what planet was that supposed to make sense?
You mean this isn't Fleeblezor Prime?
We have to go now to do wholesome family things. We have installed proximity sensors around our house, so stop coming around and standing in our garden or our household defenses will release the ebola virus.
Damn, now I'm in a bad mood. I think I'll go and hate some video games to calm myself down. Grrrrr! GRRRRRRR!
Hello, is this Jack Thompson? We are the children of the world.
Hello there, children of the world! Have you come to sit on my lap and gaze at me in adoration and gratitude for my efforts to protect you?
Well, it is those efforts we wanted to talk to you about. We want you to pack it in.
Pack in my good works? But why?
Because you make us sound like such impressionable retards that we could probably sue for defamation, and if you are allowed to talk about us for much longer we're afraid that we might get put in isolation tanks for the rest of our childhoods.
You kids sure sound cross. Have you been playing video games lately or something?
Okay, seriously now, stop talking about us or we'll steal your car and run you over with it. And before you say anything, we got the idea from a Martin Scorsese film.
Damn, can the universe shovel any more shit on little Jack Thompson today?
Hello Jack Thompson. This is Almighty God.
Yeah, I'm really sorry to have to do this, but it seems there was an administrative error on our part. You were never actually cleared to come into existence. So I have to smite you. Sorry.
No! No, Almighty God! I still have so much work to do against video games! I haven't yet gotten revenge for that time John Carmack jogged my arm twenty years ago!
You know what? I've changed my mind. I'm NOT sorry I have to do this.
Hello, people of Earth! This is Commander Fwapang from Fleeblezor Prime. With the smiting of Jack Thompson, the average intelligence of the human race has shot up by such a degree that the Earth now qualifies to join the Galactic Technological Exchange Programme. Flying cars for everyone!

- Yahtzee

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5/10/05: Interrogation Station

The 'Ask Yahtzee' forum thread seems to have picked up quite a few questions. Doing three or four of them per update isn't going to get through them very fast, so I decided to see how many I could get done all quickly like.

Ready set go!

Wayne: Where did the phrase "The Cats out of the bag" come from?

Presumably from an occasion wherein a cat was let out of a bag and, in doing so, revealed damning evidence, such as lipstick smeared inexpertly over its muzzle and a bleeding anus.

therantinghuman: What those spots in front of your eyes which appear when you try to squint real hard?

Those are what are technically known as 'gabblebloins'. They will not hurt you. In fact, bring them a saucer of milk and they may sing you the gabblebloin song.

Brend: What would happen if Bob Ross and Neil Buchanan were to be put in the same coordinates in time and space?

They would both cancel each other out and Tony Hart would have to fill the void.

therantinghuman: Is drinking wee harmful or healthy?

I'm vaguely insulted that you thought I would have the answer to this question! I have no idea! Feel free to experiment!

Shawnathan: What in the hell do wemon do in the three hours they spend in the bathroom each fucking morning?

The 'wemon' is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden! Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind the ears.

floppydisk: Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Actually it's a Cornetto, and I hope you die!

floppydisk: Should I be worried about the poeple that keep knocking at my door?

I don't know. Maybe you should go and let them in and ask them what they want. Knocking is generally considered the universal sign of wanting to be let in, but I guess you never got that memo.

Otal Nimrodi: Will you marry me?


Otal Nimrodi: Is there a kind and loving god?


Otal Nimrodi: What is the meaning of life?

Eat more brown bread!

Coco: Are you sure you want to make an update with this, after all the questions you've received?


Zatoichi: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?

On my cock!

SimeSublime: How's the beard coming along?

It has just occurred to me that the phrase 'on my cock' could answer most of these questions.

Walexei: why is it that so many places in Australia have such ridiculous names? Wanneroo for example

On my c- oh. Well, if you don't like ridiculous names, maybe you should lead by example, you stupid twat.

Stalky: Why, oh why, do men wake up with erections?

Because Mr. Twinkle likes to greet the morning sun with a shining smile.

looktothesky: I want to get my own fellowship of ass-kissers. How would I go about doing that?


Girdag Fireskull: If you taped a hose in a horse's mouth, could you make it drink?

No, but if you film it and post it on the internet then it won't have been a total waste of time.

Girdag Fireskull: What WERE all the names of those 'Hugh, Grue, Barney McSpew' guys?

Er... Hugh, Grue and Barney McSpew? You kind of answered your own question there.

arschgeweih: Does the internet really exist?

Yes, ON MY COCK!!!!

Ninja Duck: Have you ever killed a man?

See answer to previous question.

Ninja Duck: Why doesn't stone burn?

Because you touch yourself at night.

arschgeweih: why is red the colour of communism?

Because Karl Marx was actually a small pot of strawberry jam OH I DON'T FUCKING KNOW

Dr Lecter: What is the capital of Taiwan?


Dr Lecter: How stoned/drunk does an Eskimo have to be before he runs over a walrus and takes to the natural history museum?


- Yahtzee

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26/9/05: Interlude #2

- Yahtzee

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21/9/05: Play On

Updates are going to be pretty scarce at the moment because I'm currently busy off getting a life.

In the meantime, for want of an update, I uploaded a short playlet I wrote entitled 'A Big Red Shiny Helmet', which is my gift to you if you happen to have the means and resources to make a short film or play but lack a script. It'd probably be funnier if you've ever played Silent Hill 2.

In case you didn't pick up on the first link, here it is again.

- Yahtzee

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7/9/05: Ask Nicely

Many moons ago there was a short-lived feature on this site called Ask Yahtzee, in which readers of the site (or as I like to call them, 'mortals') posed me perplexing questions, and I would answer them with stupid non-sequitur shit I made up off the top of my head. Well, that feature is back due to popular (one) demand, and today I'll be answering a few brainteasers posed to me by the cock suckers on my forum. If you have any questions you'd like to see addressed in future instalments of Ask Yahtzee, please direct them to the forum topic on the subject.

We'll start with this little humdinger from Dark Comet:

"Why are peaches furry?"

That's an interesting question, Dark Comet! Please do not wipe out any more dinosaurs while you await my answer!

There are many theories as to why peaches are furry. Personally, I believe that peaches are just trying to express something about themselves they don't quite understand, and give it a certain shape for want of some kind of explanation. Many peaches grew up antisocially, often ostracised and even tormented by their peers, and were no doubt conditioned to believe that there was something different about them that caused them to not fit in. Then they found the internet and discovered ways other people have explained this about themselves, and decided to adopt their ways in an attempt to find some kind of acceptance.

Then again, perhaps, as they believe, they really do have some kind of affinity with wolves or foxes, but frankly that sounds like a load of old cleveland steamer to me. Hope this was informative!

Also sprach floppydisk:

"If you have a lump in your ass, should you tell anyone?"

That's an intriguing question, floppydisk! I shall endeavour to answer it before you get any more obsolete!

If you have a lump in your pants, there are many possible responses. A common strategy is to lie on your back, burst into tears, and kick your legs like a retard. Note that this behaviour will become increasingly less effective after you pass the age of 1, so on the whole the best thing to do is to not draw attention to it. Let it sit there, hope no-one smells anything, and pull your trousers tightly against your body in the vain hope that your arse will somehow re-absorb the offending article. Also, you might not want to give your pants to your mum to launder when you get home. I hope you will find this information relevant to your daily life, you wretched human being!

SimeSublime used the dark magic of the internet to ask:

"Why do axe murders get a special name?"

That's a pithy observation, SimeSublime! Your name is gay!

The reason axe murders get a special name is down to a confusion of etymology. You see, axe murders were not originally called that because they are generally associated with axes.

Back in medieval times, the local lord would often tax his subjects in order to pay for wars, castles and the large knobbly dildoes he used to rape their wives and daughters. But this was in the days before telephone banking, and there was no convenient way to fork out for local government, so taxes were often collected by small groups of armed guards going from house to house. Peasants would frequently gang up and kill these guards with shoddy farming implements, normally scythes and axes. The crime of murdering taxmen became increasingly common over the years, and a lot of peasants were having to be executed, so the Justices of the Peace decided to create a new classification of murder - 'tax murder' - that carried a lighter sentence than plain old boring normal murder.

As the centuries went by 'tax murder' was muddled into 'ax murder', largely because of noted historian Thomas Twatbags who insisted on writing all his T's with invisible ink, perhaps to spite his parents.

And finally, Otal Nimrodi wants to know:

"What's outside the universe?"

That's a good question, Otal Nimrodi! I had to copy and paste your stupid fucking name!

I'm not really supposed to do this, but here's a page from the Secret Book Of Absolutely True Things, which only I and four other people on the planet are allowed to read:

That's it for today's instalment. Keep those questions coming!

- Yahtzee

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