The Best Stuff: 5 days - Notes - 7 days - 1213 - Galaxy - Odysseus - Cowboys    

Latest Chris & Trilby


5/10/06: Testing Times

I hope you've been reading carefully, because it's time for a comprehension test.

1. Who would play the lead in a film version of 5 Days A Stranger?

A. Jack Davenport
B. Richard Roxburgh
C. Graeme Garden
D. Doctor Octopus

2. Who was the best James Bond?

A. Sean Connery
B. The one who was in Highlander
C. The one who was Indiana Jones' dad
D. Timothy Dalton

3. Which onomatopoeic word best represents the Doctor Who tardis noise?


4. Why don't I update this site very often anymore?

A. Terminal illness
B. Jet-setting playboy lifestyle
C. Heavy workload
D. Just need fifteen more gold for an epic mount

5. What pairing does the relationship between Chris and Trilby best equate to?

A. Laurel and Hardy
B. Calvin and Hobbes
C. Tintin and Captain Haddock
D. Me and your mum

6. What are your hands for?

A. Nose picking
B. Basket weaving
C. Waving to friends
D. Stroking things lovingly

7. Given that waging war on abstract concepts is retarded, and that the application of 'good and evil' in a real world context is also retarded, the current US administration is

A. Retarded
B. Super retarded
C. Off the retarded scale

8. The big twist at the end of 1213 was that

A. 1213 was dead
B. Bruce Willis was dead
C. Everyone was dead
D. It was Earth all along

9. Resident Evil 4 would probably have been the best game ever if it weren't for

A. The level design
B. The script
C. The controls
D. You pesky meddling kids

10. Jerry is six inches taller than Mabel who is four inches shorter than Tiddles. Tiddles is going out with Montmorency who is eight inches shorter than Jerry. Montmorency takes pictures of Tiddles in the shower and posts them on a website owned by Steve, who is eleven feet taller than Buzz Aldrin. If Buzz Aldrin is five foot ten, what is Tiddles?

A. A cat
B. An astronaut
C. A whore
D. Something else

11. Who would win if Emperor Palpatine and Subway's Jared had a fight?

A. Palpatine
B. Jared
C. Whoever secured the broadcasting rights
D. Everyone

12. Sign here please.

A. X
B. Leonard Cohen
C. Professor Horatio Luxembourg Wanglesnatch III
D. Confused


God is either dead or uncaring

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

19/9/06: Problem Solved

Well, it's been five years since the World Trade Centre - sorry - Center bit the dust, and since there's been no closure America still can't get over it, like a problematic psychiatric patient. And also like a problematic psychiatric patient they've been taking it out on anyone they find remotely offensive, although most psychiatric patients aren't given the wherewithal to carpet bomb the south west Asian land mass. On the whole it's been a bad time to be a human being on planet Earth these last few years, but that doesn't mean the whole mess is completely beyond saving. So in the interests of putting some use to this dusty soapbox and cry for attention repository I call a website, I've come up with a number of strategies for the quick and straightforward resolution of all the world's problems.

1. George W. Bush committing suicide on live television

You can't get this fucker out of office because a crucial majority of US voters are a bunch of greasestained halfwits who have proved they can be bullied into voting for whichever candidate bellows his paranoid warmongering the loudest and jams the word 'freedom' onto the end of all his sentences freedom. You can't assassinate him because the people who operate his pull-string will then go on to throw five million bombs at the first country to cough loudly. The only option is to get him out of the picture while simultaneously discrediting him and everything he stands for. A guilt-ridden death by his own hand should do the job nicely. How could you justify continuing a war that its very instigator lost all faith in?

It'd have to be live television so that it doesn't get covered up or blamed on the Palestinians which is just the kind of sneaky shit I'd expect to be pulled. During an address to the nation for preference. Lights, camera, and an impromptu game of Russian Roulette. Or are you supposed to call it Freedom Roulette now?

2. Erect an enormous wall dividing the eastern and western hemispheres of the planet

The events of the last few years have done more to polarise the world's population than anything else in recent memory. It's not like World War 2 when the enemy were obviously and conveniently evil, now there's all this grey area. And we can't talk about creating peace when the left and the right wing can't even sit down for five minutes without kicking each other in the shins, so how about this. Everyone who gets a kick out of war can live on one side of the planet, and everyone else lives on the other. There, everything solved. In the left half, abortions, rock music and cultural awareness. In the right half, self-flagellation, Willie Nelson and free guns for the under fives. Then everyone who likes wars can hit each other with baseball bats and leave the peaceniks alone to make tie-dyed daisy chains or whatever.

The sticking point with this strategy is that, if everyone on Earth has to pick a side, who gets to stand guard on the big wall and man the mounted machine guns in case anyone tries to cross over? Well, that answer should be obvious: me. Me, and a neutral army of trained bears.

3. Use the Ark of the Covenant

Seriously guys, we all saw Raiders of the Lost Ark, we know you've still got it. Get it out of mothballs and everything could be swiftly resolved. Osama Bin Laden's evil plans will be ruined forever when his eyeballs melt all over them and make the ink run.

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

7/9/06: Background Check

You want to know how I make background art for my adventure games. I'm going to show you how I make background art for my adventure games.

It all starts with this:

A game like 7 Days A Skeptic or Trilby's Notes has a great deal of very similar rooms, all of which come from the same template. Here's one I prepared earlier. You'll notice that the walls and floor are kept separate, for reasons that will soon become clear. Two kinds of room can be created from this template file: a large normal room and a narrower one for corridors.

The back wall is always kept directly above the floor in the template, so if I want to make a less broad room I can easily cut out an equal portion from both wall and floor and sandwich the bits back together. Note also the door graphics that will be pasted on where appropriate, and a single character sprite I use as a reference for how big the room and furniture should be. I also like to imagine him looking upon me, his creator, with a childlike wonder and awe as I work.

Today we're making a large room. Let's put all the bits into Photoshop.

Before pasting in the floor and the back wall I added a door and some little elements that will be flat against the wall and have some relevance to the room's nature. The important thing to note is that all three walls and the floor are on separate Photoshop layers. The next thing we're going to do is add lighting. I select the back wall layer and choose from the topmenu Filter > Render > Lighting Effects.

If there were a visible light source, the light would emanate from that, but in this room the lights are on the ceiling, and I never draw the ceilings in my backgrounds because I had a bad experience with one as a child involving a balloon and a spiky plastering effect. I use the Omni style of light, which is basically the equivalent of a torch aimed directly at the image. I tone the light down to a nice gloomy level and expand the width of the beam to light up the whole wall.

For both the other walls I place the light above and to the side of the image, and for the floor the spotlight is right smack in the middle, implying that's where the light is on the ceiling. Also note that the side walls are in general a wee bit darker than the back wall; this is purely for aesthetic effect, as otherwise the eye would smear the walls together.

Once the walls were all lighted I moved them together and squashed all the layers into one, completing the basic room. It's time to furnish this barren heartless place!

Going back to the template image I make excessive use of the MS Paint line and fill tools to create my furniture, using the green floor mask as a guide for perspective and positioning. I also copy the little man over to make sure I get my proportions right. Once we're done we delete the floor and copy paste all the furniture into Photoshop on the same layer.

The lighting effect I used this time is exactly the same one as the one I used on the floor, albeit elevated slightly. So, all done? Not quite. There's no such thing as vampire furniture so now it all has to cast a shadow. So, assuming once again the light comes from the ceiling, I use the Polygonal Lasso tool to select the areas that should be in shadow, like so:

And then it's just a matter of selecting the Rectangle tool, choosing 'Darken' from the Mode menu, lowering the opacity to about 40%, selecting the background layer and drawing a big black square over the whole thing.

There you have it, the completed Yahtzee-style background, just the way your mother probably didn't make it. Now I just need to do about ten million more of these, once I've prevaricated for a couple of months.

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

1/9/06: Go Away 'M Tired

Sorry about the lack of updates lately, it's not because I hold you all in complete contempt. It's because I've had trouble sleeping lately and I'm usually too tired during the day to work on anything. And because I hold you all in complete contempt.

Silent Hill The Film has finally been released in Australia and I saw it with an intimate group of good-time charlies last night. I have to say it's certainly one of the most faithful game-to-movie adaptations, since it practically still WAS a game. There were very clearly defined levels, boss monsters and inventory puzzles. And Sean Bean getting all wet and angry. That's not so much like a game as it is like what goes through my head on most evenings when I lie awake thinking of ways to masturbate.

Blarg eyes heavy writing mediocre zzzzzzzzzzz

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

15/8/06: Resident Evil Revisited

SCENE: The big industrial rig at the end of Resident Evil 4, where you confront Saddler for the end boss fight


Leon: A fop
Saddler: A master villain
Ada: An embodiment of fan service


Hm, hm, hm!
What's so funny?
Oh, I think you know. The 'American prevailing' is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Oh, Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me! To show my appreciation, I will awaken you from your world of -
Okay, shut up for a second. I have a question. What's wrong with your head?
Why are you still talking in that stupid smug tone of voice like you know something I don't and everything's going according to plan? I was giving you the benefit of the doubt for a while in case this was all some really elaborate trap I'm walking into, but, well, look. I've destroyed, like, 99% of your army. I've decimated your operations. I killed ALL your best lieutenants, even the big lad with the beard. I've bested and put down all those genetically engineered secret weapon monsters you kept bringing out. I've completely foiled your really shitty master plan that required the chimp with the ears. And I've removed the thing from our bodies that made us blindly obey your commands, so... what the hell have you got left?
Oh, don't worry, you'll find out soon enough, you pitiful decadent capitalist American. I-
And another thing, when you talk in that really sarcastic tone of voice, it would help if what you were saying was actually sarcastic.
Shut up. You'll find out soon enough, you... you. I've still got an ace up my -
By the way, was it your idea to have all your soldiers walk towards me really slowly in single file, only attacking with melee weapons despite the metric fuckton of ammo hidden around the place and my huge amount of firepower? Because that wasn't a very efficient battle tactic.
Yeah, seriously. I almost felt guilty when I was cutting through those guys like a fucking lawnmower. I killed about a million, and I'm a girl.
Yeah, I killed, like, ten million, and I'm a huge fag.
SHUT UP. You think you've won, Mr. Kennedy? I've still got an ace up my sleeve! I still have my secret contingency plan, and it will SPELL YOUR DOOM!
This contingency plan, would it have anything to do with you turning into a giant monster? Not unlike the eight hundred giant monsters I already killed on the way here? Because every single one of your lieutenants tried something similar and now they're all piles of dogfood on the floor.
I, er... no! No, my plan is most certainly NOT to turn into a giant monster! It's... well... you see, I'm going to...
You WERE going to turn into a giant monster, weren't you.
I SODDING WAS NOT going to turn into a giant monster! Actually it's a really clever Machiavellian scheme with all sorts of... underlying... er... just, you know, say hypothetically I did turn into a giant monster -
Oh, god.
AND I'M NOT SAYING I WILL, but say I did... you'd be doomed if it was a particularly big and powerful giant monster, right?
Well, that all depends on the capacity of this giant attache case full of ammo I'm lugging around. And whether there are elements in the environment I can use to my advantage. Hey, aren't those explosive barrels?
Er... maybe...
Because, you know, I can't really see any reason why there'd be any explosive barrels up here unless you were intending to turn into a giant monster with a rather obvious weak point and give me a fighting chance in response to some retarded sense of imagined superiority -
Now, look, I wouldn't say a huge eyeball on the end of a tentacle is an obvious weak point, strictly speaking - ow!
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Stop smacking me on the head!
Say "I'm a really shitty terrorist."
No! OW!
Say it!
I'm... I'm a really shitty terrorist.
"And this plan was not very well thought out".
And... OW... and this plan was not very... well thought out.
"And I am a big girl's blouse who likes hairy bums."
And I... Oh fuck it. RARR! MUTATE!
Ah, here we go. Now then, we've had the big fish boss, the big plant boss, and the big scorpion boss, so what's it going to be this time, hmm? Don't tell me. It's going to be the giant dragon boss, right? It's usually something like that at the very end.
Or a giant snake boss, maybe?
Or a giant snake boss, that's a classic.
Oh. The giant spider boss.
I was pretty close.
Eat explosive barrel!
Why not have another!
One more, I insist!
Ow! (dies)
What a fag.
Are you going to untie me, then?


updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

4/8/06: Garry's God

I don't quite know why, but there's something



"Paradigm Shift"


"Story Time"


"The Story Wasn't Very Good"




"Day Off, 1 of 3"


"Day Off, 2 of 3"


"Day Off, 3 of 3"

Mod. Between it and World of Warcraft this has probably been the least productive period of my life since the time when I wrote Beano fancomics.

Anyway, in site news, I've decided to take the Donator List off of the donation page. The special edition thing has made the donation system more of a straight trade than a charitable gesture, and you don't get to put your portrait up in an off license just because you went in for a six pack.

Oh yeah, and forum user "setasouji" has done a fantastic Trilby's Notes wallpaper you can find on this page.

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

27/7/06: Zombie Zone

I've been playing around with Garry's Mod for Half-Life 2 lately, seeing how much fun can be had by constructing a car out of a sofa and four sawblades, nailing a ragdoll of Barney Calhoun to it by his feet, then pulling it along behind an airboat. I've also used it to make a little feature I like to call Garry's Mod: Zombie Apocalypse. You should probably go read it. Here's a free sample:

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...

22/7/06: Music Of The Spheres

On a whim I've been trying to make a list of all the songs whose titles are structured verb-pronoun-preposition, or 'verporeps' as no-one calls them. This is what I've come up with so far:


28 Days - Rip It Up
Basement Jaxx - Get Me Off
Blur - Wear Me Down
Blur - Turn It Up
Cormega - Let It Go
Fefe Dobson - Take Me Away
The Donnas - Take It Off
The Donnas - Pass It Around
Elastica - Hold Me Now
Nick Cave - Lay Me Low
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Pete Murray - Bail Me Out
Powderfinger - Pick You Up
Powderfinger - Take Me In
Polyphonic Spree - Hold Me Now
Puddle Of Mudd - Spin You Around
Red Cell - Knock Me Down
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Give It Away
Silverchair - Leave Me Out
Smashing Pumpkins - Take me down
Starsailor - Talk Her Down
The Stone Roses - Shoot You Down


A-Ha - Take On Me
Nick Cave - Far from me
The Darkness - Growing On Me
The Donnas - Fall Behind Me
Mark Lanegan - Come to me
Pete Murray - Fly With You
Eric Prydz - Call On Me
Scott Walker - Get behind me


M People - Moving On Up
Soundgarden - Let Me Drown
Beatles - Love Me Do
Xavier Rudd - Let Me Be

Can you think of any more?

- Yahtzee

updates - features - essays - reviews - comics - games - novels - about - contact - forum - links

Previously on Fully Ramblomatic...


All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
Copyright 2002-2006 All Rights Reserved so HANDS OFF, PIKEY