So, after viciously attacking those one hundred questions two weeks ago, my contempt quickly became concern. What kind of message are these lame circulars giving to newcomers to the internet? They would assume we are all smacktards and no mistake. Immediately I realised my duty as a citizen of the internet. I must write a better list of 100 questions for people to circulate and make everyone think what fully-rounded human beings we all are.

So, here's what I came up with. Do feel free to fill it in and send it to all your friends, unless you're one of my friends.

1. What is your Earth name, human?

2. What is your full address?

3. Phone number?

4. You do realise I now have enough information to stalk and kill you?

5. Where does your wife go shopping?

6. Where do your children play?

7. Are there any conveniently located woodchippers or toolsheds nearby?

8. Do you love your family?

9. Do you REALLY love them or are you just saying that?

10. Do you come here often?

11. Have you ever had sex?

12. If yes, give an account, leaving no details to the imagination:

13. If no, explain why not:

14. Have you ever had gay sex?

15. Would you like to do it again?

16. Ah, so you HAVE had gay sex?

17. Have you ever been in a threesome?

18. If yes, do you consider yourself honest?

19. 'Cos I don't.

20. Do you masturbate?

21. Fun, isn't it?

22. Which of the following would you consider appropriate situations for masturbation:
- In bed, alone
- In bed with a partner
- In bed with a dog
- Before sex
- After sex
- During sex
- At your mother's wake

23. Why are you filling out these questions?

24. Seriously, don't you have anything better to do?

25. Are you in a relationship with someone?

26. Bearing in mind that animals, minors and stalking victims don't count, are you in a relationship with someone?

27. Oh, and I'd also like to add 'fictional characters' to that list.

28. Do you feel lucky, punk?

29. What's your favourite Monty Python film that isn't Life of Brian?

30. What's your favourite song by Queen that isn't Bohemian Rhapsody?

31. What's your favourite team sport that isn't football?

32. Who's your favourite actor who was in Footloose and isn't Kevin Bacon?

33. Who's your favourite actress who was in Fight Club and isn't Helena Bonham Carter?

34. Do you prefer chalk or cheese?

35. Laurel or Hardy?

36. White or slightly off-white?

37. Lice or doornails?

38. Mangoes or licorice?

39. Nostrils or the Serengeti Plain?

40. Do you want to die, Sidney?

41. Have you ever been to prison?

42. If yes, were you the man or the bitch?

43. Oh, perhaps I should have asked this earlier: Are you male or female?

44. Really?

45. Blimey.

46. What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?

47. Did you really think I wanted to know that, you freak?

48. Is the cup half full or half empty?

49. Who is your best friend?

50. Okay, who is your second best friend?

51. Do you have any friends at all?

52. Bearing in mind that animals, minors, stalking victims, fictional characters and inanimate objects don't count?

53. Did you know coming up with 100 questions is more difficult than it sounds?

54. Discuss the use of iambic pentameter in act 4, scene 1 of Othello, the Moor of Venice.

55. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say "Yum, I love a nice tasty slice of hair pie"?

56. If yes, do you feel vaguely ashamed?

57. Do you consider yourself a smacktard?

58. If no, why are you still answering these questions?

59. What's your favourite book for use in self-defense?

60. Does he look like a bitch?

61. Then why did you fuck him like a bitch, Brian?

62. Did your dad ever do that thing where he walks to the bathroom completely nude hoping no-one will see him?

63. Did it freak you out as much as it did me?

64. List all your pets.

65. I know this may be painful, but list all the dead ones, too.

66. How did they die?

67. Ha ha! What stupid creatures.

68. What's your favourite comic by Alan Moore called Watchmen?

69. Really?

70. Mine too!

71. Do you admire Justin Timberlake...
... For his musical ability?
... For his reputedly enormous willy?
... For the ease with which he lights on fire?

72. Have you ever met a ghost?

73. Have you ever communicated with a ghost?

74. Have you ever played Scrabble with a ghost?

76. Would you like to reconsider your answer to question 57?

77. Have you ever taken drugs?

78. Have you ever sold drugs?

79. Could I have a price list?

80. Do you think I'm attractive?

81. My mum does.

82. Have you ever dressed like a woman?

83. C'mon, you can tell me.

84. Everyone has at some point.

85. Ha ha! I lied! TRANNY!

86. Apologies if you're a girl, by the way.

87. When was the last time you said 'I love you'?

88. When was the last time you said it to something other than a TV screen?

89. My programmer taught me a song. Would you like to hear it?

90. Would you eat poo if I gave you a fiver?

91. Tenner?

92. Would you eat poo if I gave you fifty quid and a sweetie?

93. Explain your answer.

94. Hello, is it me you're looking for?

95. Who sent you this quiz?

96. Do you find this person attractive?

97. Would you want to have sex with this person?

98. You do know they'll probably read this?

99. Er...

100. That's it.

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