You join us here once again in Smokey Basement, Michigan (incorporating Slummy Alleyway, Wisconsin and Deserted Car Park, New York) for another bout in the ongoing Fully Ramblomatic Things That Only Take Place In Yahtzee's Imagination bare-fist fighting tournament. At our last quarter-final, Shinji Ikari beat seven shades of aloe vera out of a piece of damp tissue paper. This week, we move on from characters who merely contemplate patricide to two who have been actively involved in it at some point.

And joining me now in the commentary box is guest commentator Shinji 'I'm a big whinging twat who everybody hates' Ikari. Hello, Shinji.
'I'm a big whinging twat who everybody hates?'
Yes, I know. So, any comment on the reader poll from the last fight, which indicated that approximately 75% of the audience were rooting for the handkerchief? Please try to answer before going into a catatonic state.
Useless, not worthy, etc.
Believe in yourself, epiphany, goodies, etc.
Wow, I'm impressed. You've got those catatonic states down to three seconds. Now, enough of this gay banter, let's talk about the fight. Darth Vader versus Inigo Montoya, the legendary swordsman from the Princess Bride. Where's your money lying, Shinji?
Is this for real? What the hell kind of fight is this? Darth Vader's the dark lord of the effing Sith. He can crush windpipes from the next room. He's got the legendary power of the Force on his side. Inigo Montoya's just some greasy Dago in tights.
Well, don't write off Inigo right away. After all, he is driven to superhuman fighting ability by his obsessive motivation. And when you think about it, the Force is a bit of a cheat. Any old twit can master swordfighting if they're all midichlorianed up the dilly-o, but it takes a special kind of man to do it while just being a greasy Dago in tights.
Okay, that's a very good point. When he demonstrates his mighty Dago ability to summon lightning from the air, I'll chalk his odds up a notch.
Fine. I've got fifty here says Inigo can kick any arse we put before him and make an attractive set of shoulder pads out of it when he's finished. You up for it, little man?
You're on! I think I can see the competitors being led into the ring, now...
Hey! This trail of licorice allsorts stops in this smokey basement! Oh, hell, it's an underground boxing ring. I swore to myself I wouldn't fall for this again. But I do so love licorice allsorts. They're black and evil. Like me.
Grow some cojones, Senor novelty dildo man. There's wrasslin' to be done.
The combatants have drawn their respective weapons. Darth Vader with the Light Sabre, Inigo Montoya with... is there a word for sword that rhymes with Montoya?
Don't be stupid.
I still can't believe we're going along with this. The basement is going to be painted with moustachioed gore in five seconds. You can't compare a light sabre to a metal sword, even a really nice one.
I'm glad you brought that up, Shinji, because it's time for me to announce the surprise modifier rule for this bout. Gentlemen? Exchange weapons.
Good God! The monstrous cunning of it!
What the hell is this? It looks like the result of Casper the Friendly Ghost's remarkably successful penis extension.
It's a light sabre, you fool! It cuts through things like butter and automatically cauterizes wounds.
Cauterizes? Well, forgive me if I'm being silly, but I always assumed if you're swinging a sword at someone, you're not too concerned with their physical wellbeing. Oh, whatever. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
And they're off! Inigo makes the first move, getting in the element of surprise, raining down on Darth Vader with a lightning storm of swishy light sabre moves. What do you think of your pussy dark lord of the Sith now, eh?
Well, he's doing remarkably well with that plain sword, considering it should probably have been sheared in two by now.
Granted, granted. But he definitely seems to be having trouble out there. Inigo has the benefit of speed, because if Darth Vader turns around too quickly he trips over his cloak and his asthma inhaler falls out. Makes you wonder how he managed to conquer the galaxy, really, what with him being the sci-fi equivalent of Stephen Hawking with two ruptured lungs.
My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
No, Inigo. For you see... I AM your father!
And it looks like Vader is falling back on his usual all-purpose confusion move, known colloquially throughout the fighting world as the Twist Ending Gambit.
No you're fucking not. I'm from pseudo-Medieval Europe. You're from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Who's to say a long time ago couldn't have been the same time as pseudo-Medieval Europe? A long time ago is a very relative term. Last week was a long time ago if you happen to be a moth.
What about the galaxy far, far away bit?
Oh alright. I'm not your father. But I did meet your great-uncle in a bar once. We discussed quantum theory. Nice fellow SLICE!
Ooh, devious move there on Vader's part.
Well, that's why they call him the dark lord of the Sith, I suppose.
You cut off my hand! You bastard!
Surrender, foolish hairy Spanish person! I have already robbed you of the ability to read a book and eat a Mars bar at the same time.
A ha ha ha no. For you see, I know something you don't. You see, I'm not really left-handed at all.
Oh for god's sake. Is he going to use that bloody left-handed thing for every single fight? I've seen him do it five times this week alone. He's going to end up ambidextrous at this rate.
Well, maybe Vader should start reading the sports page, 'cos it certainly caught him by surprise! Suddenly Inigo has the upper hand, no pun intended! He's delivering an even more intense lightning storm of blows! He's a tsunami of whirling steel! A monsoon of flashing blade! An entire East Asian weather report of pokey death!
Vader's got his back up against the wall and Inigo's trying his damnedest to cut scars in that mask of his, to no avail. Darth's going to have to come up with something pretty special to come out of this one.
You're my bitch now! Say it! Say you're my bitch!
Ow!!! You had the light sabre! That wasn't FAIR!
The fuck?
I'm a great warrior! I'm a great warrior! Why is everyone against me?! It's not FAIR!
Startling! The stress seems to have caused Darth Vader to regress back to whinging cunt Anakin Skywalker circa Attack of the Clones! This could cost him the match.
Eat ghost penis!
OW! My leg!
Have some more!
OW! My other leg! This isn't fair! I'm telling mum!
Your mum's dead.
So she is. (thud)
Well, bit of a disappointment there for the Star Wars crowd, but a well deserved victory if I may say so. Looks like you owe me fifty, Ikari-san!
Oh for fuck's sake pack it in.

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Darth Vader
Inigo Montoya
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All material not otherwise credited by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw
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