I finally got around to watching the latest
offering to the Friday the 13th series, Jason X.
He's come a long way from running around with a
bag on his head, I tell ye that. As expected,
this film is utterly awful, but I wonder. It
bears all the hallmarks of 'self parody', despite
the extremely serious tone of the blurb on the
back of the box (promising "NERVE-RENDING
TERROR"). So, if I were to take the piss out
of this film, who's the idiot? Me for thinking
they weren't actually playing for laughs, or them
for thinking the exact same thing?
of blurbs, I found it interesting that the quote
on the front of the box is simply
"FANTASTIC" and three dots, attributed
to the News of the World. As any media student
will tell you, that could so easily have been
taken out of context. Perhaps the full quote is
"I find the fact that this film was actually
commissioned to be simply fantastic", or
"This film is fantastic, if by 'fantastic'
you mean 'gay'". But then, that sounds a bit
too clever for the News of the World.
the film begins, after a series of wholly
appropriate trailers for mostly romantic
comedies. It's 2010, and Jason has been captured
(figure that one out). They keep him in a big
research centre where the staff consists of two
people and no-one ever turns the lights on.
They've tried every possible way of executing
him, all to no avail, as he seems to be able to
regenerate lost or damaged tissue.
something stupid: apparently, they tried
electrocution, gas, lethal injection, firing
squad, and nothing worked. Then, and I quote,
"we even tried hanging him". Yeah,
bullets didn't work, but surely not even
unkillable Jason can escape the deadly noose of
death! Judging by the way they said it, they were
all really disappointed when it didn't work.
they decide to freeze him cryogenically, but some
government official decides he's too
scientifically valuable, and is about to take him
away against the wishes of one of the two people
at the research centre, a beautiful female
scientist. I'm sure we're all familiar with the
female scientist = good, government official
flanked by soldiers = bad.
here's the same equation for C++ programmers.
female scientist == good;
government official flanked by soldiers == bad;
anyway, you don't need me to tell you that Jason
kills all the soldiers and the government
official, so Doctor Hot Chick lures him into the
basement where they both get cryogenically
frozen. 450 years later, they're found by a bunch
of students and taken up onto their spaceship
academy place. Apparently, the selection process
for Space Academy includes a swimsuit
competition, as they are all hot. Actually, since
the professor who runs the place is banging at
least one of them, that swimsuit thing wouldn't
bring Jason and Doctor Hot on board and use
nanites to rebuild the latter, as Jason is
apparently too far gone. Not so! He don't need no
cissy nanites! He gets up and kills the extremely
hot scientist in the revealing outfit who was
poking him. Then, somewhat predictably, a lot of
people get slit up a treat. The students and Dr.
Hot all seal themselves up in the lab while the
overconfident security staff try to take down
J.V. with their guns, splitting up and forgetting
to turn the lights on as usual. About fifteen
minutes into the chase, Dr. Hot suddenly realises
that that's never worked before and won't now.
All I can say is, if she doesn't have ADD, there
must have been something really interesting
happening off-camera to distract her. Like a
meteor shower or the second coming of Christ or
and behold, all the soldiers are dead and Jason
comes after the students. They make for the
nearest space station, but then Jason kills the
pilot and they plough into it instead.
Fortunately the ship was sturdy enough to
survive, unlike the space station. Space stations
are evidently made of cardboard in the future.
Imagine the ship was a big knife and the
spaceship was made of warm butter. It was just
some bright spark has the idea of escaping on the
ship's only escape shuttle (cue sound of cinema
audience slapping their foreheads), so they all
immediately split up to perform various tasks
before they escape (cue another sound of cinema
audience slapping their foreheads). Jason picks
off a couple of others while an idiot male
student decides now is an ideal opportunity to
shag his pet woman robot. I kid ye not. Then the
emotional girl climbs into the escape shuttle and
launches it without any of the others. She forgot
the docking clamp and the cardboard escape
shuttle enjoys the same fate as the cardboard
space station. Thanks to her, an entire cinema
audience have sore foreheads.
robot fucker (which I believe is what he puts on
his CV) then introduces Jason to his robot, who
has apparently been transformed into a gun-toting
indestructible warrior woman by his magical cock
juice. She blows Jason to bits, but those silly
nanites take it upon themselves to rebuild him as
an unstoppable robot monster. Oh, for silly luck!
The rest of the film basically involves the
heroes running away from him and towards some
ship that has come to rescue them. At around
about this point is the highlight of the film,
when they create an artificial lakeside setting
with the ship's equivalent of a holodeck and get
two hologram girls in panties to distract him by
letting themselves get horribly killed. And let
me tell you, ten years from now those two
actresses are going to look back upon this role
and make their foreheads as sore as possible,
before pulling themselves together and
concentrating on making Big Macs.
get those ratings down!
In Ears Rating: 4/10
Really Jason X is trying to be more like
one of those sci-fi survival thrillers like
Sphere than traditional horror, but I suppose I
should welcome a change of pace after my slightly
overblown ranting towards the end of my Halloween Resurrection review.
To Last Film Rating: 3/10
With all the more recent Jason films,
the producers always want you to forget what
happened in the last one completely. There's no
reference to Jason going to Hell here, and no
doubt there will be little mention of space
stations in the upcoming Jason Vs Freddy.
And Guts Rating: 8/10
Mostly just bloodstained knives
appearing from people's tummies, but there are a
few severed heads and limbs that make uncredited
Nekkid And DIE! Rating: 10/10
Self parody, oversexed teens, blah blah
Heroes Rating: 9/10
Their dialogue was completely shitty,
but I don't think it really mattered, as none of
them could act worth a damn anyway. I think that
means they cancel each other out.
Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 7/10
Jason has big knife. Jason hates
pre-marital sex. Oh! Jason killed oversexed
teens! Ho ho ho! I laugh!
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